The "I Want" Whining has invaded our house thanks to a certain two year old...  I want a drink.  I want a lollipop.  I want yogurt.  I want to play.  I want you to color with me.  I want that toy. 

My response is usually, "I want a Porsche.  You don't always get what you want."

Fast foward a few weeks.

Chris is on the computer, looking at motorcycles.  Cameryn sees him and says, "What's that?  What are you looking at?" 

"That's a motorcycle.  Daddy likes motorcycles!  Do you think we should get one?  Daddy would like one a lot."

"No, Daddy.  Mommy wants a Porsche.  We don't always get what we want."

I'm loving that this recipe book will come out in September!  I have read a few books in "The Cookie Jar" series.  They books are a quick, cute read and the recipes are mouthwatering! 

The weekend was spent with friends.  Friday night I enjoyed wine and laughter.  Saturday and Sunday were spent laughing with friends and toddlers.  Chris and Spam finished painting the walls of our kitchen and living room.  The paint looks fabulous and there's nothing like a little paint to make your house feel new again.  We haven't hung any pictures back on the wall yet so I'm going to use this opportunity to find some of them a new home.

***

Sometimes I leave the tv on when I am trying to go to sleep, especially when Chris is working late, the noise is soothing.  However, I must have the tv on a show that I like to watch, even though I am not actually watching it.

***

I have been to the doctor twice in two weeks, both times I have been ashamed to step on the scale.  Why?  Because I am 9 pounds away from the weight that I was when I went into labor with Cameryn.  It's ridiculous.  I thought that it was my thyroid, but no, it's just because I am:  1) getting older, 2)  my body just isn't the same after having a child, and 3) I, apparently, just need to exercise more and eat a lot less.  So that's what I am going to do.  No, I'm not going to starve myself, but something, somewhere, has to give.  My clothes don't fit and I cannot afford to buy new clothes, but I also refuse to walk around looking like a stuffed sausage.  Yes, I realize that weight is just a number, blah blah blah, and that beauty is about how you feel inside... but overall I'm not feeling the love on the inside.
 I'm a work in progress, but the "progress" isn't coming along as fast as I would like.  In the five months that I have been working out on a regular basis, I have not lost one.single.pound.  I may lose a pound here and there but the next week, it's back and some weeks I gained more.  The doctor has no idea what is going on, it's not my thyroid.   I get enough sleep, I eat healthy food, I've cut back on calories, I exercise 4-5 times a week (sometimes more) and yet I am still considered overweight. 
It's maddening.  

Wow. 

Thank you for all of your emails, messages, phone calls... This is not the first time that I have been blessed with your thoughts and prayers but they are humbling nonetheless.  Some of you have already received the message below, but I wanted to put it on the blog for those of you who were blindsided by the news and have been worried about me, my state of mind, the emotional toll, etc.

I really am okay.  I cannot stress that enough.

I was sad on Tuesday when they confirmed the miscarriage, but I already knew... I just didn't feel pregnant.  At all.  (I think that those of you who have been pregnant can understand what I mean by feeling pregnant.)  Chris and I really only had one day to be comfortable with the idea of me being pregnant before I started cramping and spotting.  Had I not gone to the doctor to have my thyroid checked, I wouldn't have even known that I was pregnant.  I would have thought that I was just having a period and that thought helps to keep things in perspective for me.  I think it would have been a much different situation, for me, if I had been further along.

As miscarriages go, I've been told that mine was easy - little cramping, little tissue, only one day of heavy bleeding, no back or pelvis pain.  In fact, the way that I described it to my doctor she told me that it was just implantation (but I think we both knew that it was a little late for that!)  The ultrasound showed absolutely nothing in the uterine lining, so everything was removed on its own and there is nothing else to be worried about.

Many have asked why I miscarried (I have an weakened cervix, but it had nothing to do with that). Just like I told Chris, there is no rhyme or reason, only that God knew that this baby wasn't for us, that most of the time its because of missing chromosomes, and that's okay.  So many women miscarry and never even know.  An extremely high percentage women who miscarry go on to have healthy pregnancies and I have no doubt that I will be of those women.

The question that everyone wants to know - were we trying?  Yes!  I think that everyone knows that I have had baby fever for some time.  Getting pregnant was planned, we just had to follow God's plan this time and not ours!  I had only been off of birth control one month so just like with Cameryn, it happened on the first try.
 
We are relieved that there are not any other lingering health issues that could prevent us from trying again and in a month, we will!  We are optimistic about the future and we have a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks, including my 30th birthday!  Life is good.

Again, thank you.  For your tears, your hugs, your calls, your unwavering support.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

"Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right."    — Max Lucado (He Still Moves Stones) 

"One by one, drops fell from her eyes like they were on an assembly line - gather, fall, slide...gather, fall, slide...each one commemorating something she had lost. Hope. Faith. Confidence. Pride. Security. Trust. Independence. Joy. Beauty. Freedom. Innocence."    ~ Lisi Harrison (Monster High)

I miscarried.

Two weeks ago I went to the doctor to have bloodwork done to check my thyroid.  While I was there, I mentioned that my period was 7 days late but that I had not had a positive HPT.  The next morning, Thursday (June 7) my doctor called and said, "Congratulations, girl!  You are pregnant!"  We were overjoyed!  Chris and I had this elaborate plan that I would get pregnant and that we would tell our families in August, because most of our family birthday's are in August, and what better present is there than the news of another grandchild?  I did all of things that a mother-to-be-does.  I dreamt of names and nurseries.  I dreamt of moments holding both Cameryn and the new baby.  I hoped and prayed that God would continue to provide such wonderful things for our family.

Friday (June 8) I started spotting and by Monday it was pretty heavy.  I called my doctor who thought that it was probably implantation and that I shouldn't be concerned.  But I knew.  I knew that this pregnancy wasn't meant to be.  I took it easy for the rest of the week but I wasn't myself and by Thursday, all spotting had stopped.  I didn't feel pregnant. 

I had my first OB appointment on Tuesday, July 19.  I was immediately sent to ultrasound.  There was no sign of a pregnancy in utereo at 6wk 6 days.  They couldn't rule out the chance of an ectopic pregnancy on my left side as the ovary was difficult to see.  They took blood to confirm the loss and check on my HCg levels.  I received the results back this morning  - the levels are normal, so there is no chance of an ectopic pregnancy.

I sat in my car and cried after the appointment.  Just one short hour earlier there was joy in my heart and then in a blink of an eye, my fears were confirmed.  And the joy?  Gone.  But most of all the dreams that existed for my child, even before birth, had been shattered. 

The loss is hard.   I know that He has a plan for me, for my family. I should believe in his plan.  I know that He will not guide us down the wrong path.  His gifts are plentiful and though I shouldn't need to be reminded of them, I find myself wavering in doubt.  The past few days I have cried.  I have grieved for the loss of the child that I will never get to meet.  I have grieved for the dreams that will never come to true.

Soon, I will wake up and I will be thankful for the gifts that surround me without having to be reminded.  The warm sunshine.  A roof over my head.  The love of my sweet husband.  My beautiful child.  The lazy dog.  A loving family.  The best friends that a girl could ask for.  And the hope that one day, our dreams of another child will come true. 

Loss is hard, but we must Hope. 

And hope we will- because in one month we get to try again!  
To my family and friends, I am okay.  
Really, I am. 

This week I've felt tired, stressed, grumpy, and basically in my own little la-la land where life isn't full of rainbows, unicorns, and unlimited ice cream that doesn't attach itself to your ass just by looking at it.  My kid has done nothing but whine.  My husband has been more than helpful, but mostly just his smart ass self.  My house is a mess, which really gets under my OCD skin.  The walls are still covered in painters tape (we painted living room and kitchen two weeks ago and it needs a second coat.)  The stuff that goes on the walls has found a new home in the office.  The office.  Don't even get me started on the office.  The office is the dump-all.  I don't go in there.  When it comes time to clean it, I will happily drive my husbands mess to the dump. 

***

Chris's great-great Aunt Kathryn passed away.  She was 109.  Can you imagine living for 109 years and the stories that you could tell?!  We saw her in April, a few weeks before her birthday and she was fanastic. She was excited that she was given some butter rum life savers because they were the closest thing to alcohol that she could get.  Aunt Kathryn loved scotch, which she was forced to give up at the ripe age of 107.  When asked to what she attributed her longevity, she always replied, "Well, I never married!"  HA!
God Bless you Aunt Kathryn, you're a gem!

***

Last night I had to get out of the house so I went where everything makes sense.  I went for a run.  One foot in front of the other.  Music up.  Light rain coming down.  Sweat pouring.  When I came back, I felt better, like life wasn't spinning around me out of control, I was standing center.





TGIF!

 Today we are moving Cameryn into a "big girl" bed; she's not sleeping well at night and we are pretty sure it's because she's running out of room in her toddler bed.  I love Cameryn's room and all of the special paintings and pictures that make it hers.  I love how bright the colors are. I love the chandelier.  I love the way that it matches perfectly with her huge personality.  Most of all, I love the baby, because she'll always be my baby, that sleeps in it. 

Cameryn was diagnosed with RSV at 13 weeks, so Chris and I spent many nights in The Chair holding her upright so that she could breathe and giving her breathing treatments every 4 hours.  

I'm blank.
Not the good, 'clean slate' kind of blank.  The 'everything is nothing, slightly crazy in my mind, too tired to be', kind of blank.

I've got nothing.

Cameryn and I had a pleasant weekend with my mom in Greenville, she adores my mom so when we are there she is a trooper.  Cameryn didn't nap on Saturday and decided that 5:30 am was the perfect time to start the day on Sunday.   She made it a trend by doing it again on Monday.  I'm not a trooper.  I don't like getting out of bed before 6 am. 

The incessant whining of the past few days has my ears bleeding and my nerves shot.  Yesterday afternoon when I got her home from school she laid in the middle of the floor kicking her legs and wailing like a banshee.  After five minutes of chaos, I picked her up and tried to carry her to her room but she was kicking and flapping her arms around so I just put her down and walked away.  She ran up to me and said, "Noooooo!" and when I looked into her eyes, something within was fierce.  She was upset, about what, I have no idea, I don't know if she knew but I knew that trying to discipline her wasn't what she needed, nor what would work.  I picked her up, dodging the jabs, made it to her room, sat in her chair and just held her.  No words were spoken and after a few minutes the wild in her eyes diminished.  I'm really glad that the windows and doors weren't open because the cop that lives next door probably would have come to check to see what kind of demon had joined our household.

It's hot.  When I go outside I worry that my shoes may melt on the sidewalk.  Therefore, I cannot run.  I need to pound pavement.  It's my time.  My escape. 

That's it.
That's all I've got.
I need to run away for an hour. 

Who's with me?

Kelly's Korner is all about side dishes today!  Link up and find a new recipe!  I'm sharing two, one healthy and one not-so-healthy!

A friend of ours brought this dish over a few weeks ago and Chris fell in love with this receipe.  He's a meat and potatoes kind of guy (I'm not a big potato fan) so this was right up his ally!

Corn Flake Potatoes

Ingredients:
1 bag frozen shredded hashbrown potatoes
2 sticks of butter/margarine
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 cup sour cream
1 bag shredded sharp cheddar cheese
corn flakes (approximately 5 cups)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Put entire bag of hashbrowns into a 9x13 pan coated with non-stick cooking spray.
Melt 1 stick of butter on stove top. Pour over hasbrowns.
In a separate bowl, mix together the soup and sour cream (I usually add a little more sour cream than it calls for-another 1/4 cup). 
Spread soup mixture over hashbrowns.
Sprinkle cheese over soup mixture.
Cover with foil and bake 40 minutes.
Melt the other stick of butter in a pot.
Pour cornflakes into the pot. Stir to coat the cornflakes with butter.
Spread the cornflakes over the potatoes.
Bake, uncovered, 20 minutes

And now, for those of us who need something a tad more healthy, here's a salsa recipe from my MIL that can be used as a side dish or an appetizer.  I've put it on salad and chicken and it is fantastic!

Salsa

2 cans black beans (drain/rinse)
1 can yellow corn (frozen or fresh works just as well)
1 can light yellow corn (this is just for color)
1/2 red onion chopped
2 roma tomatoes or 1 1/2 c. grape tomatoes (I often use canned diced tomatoes)
1/4 c. olive oil
1/4 c. red wine vinegar
1/2 c. fresh lime juice (I use bottled lime juice)
8-10 drops tobasco
2 tsp minced garlic
1 Tbsp cumin
1 can green chilis (I just dice up some jalepenos)
4 tsp oregano
healthy amount of cilantro coarsely chopped

Enjoy!

Last night I was sure attempted to put Cam to bed early, get a workout in, and curl up on the couch. 



Big Brother was on.  I love me some Big Brother.  It's a three night a week, mindless kind of entertainment when nothing else is on in the summer except Burn Notice (and go figure they're on at the same night and time.  Thank goodness for DVR!  What did we do before DVR?)  
I'm such a BB fan that I have Jokers Updates saved on my computer as a favorite.  JU is a site that has minute by minute updates from people who are watching live feeds.  Plus, you get tons of behind the scenes info on all of that wonderful drama.
I curled up on the couch with sore muscles (thank you, Jillian Michaels!) and big glass of water watching the first few moments my favorite summer show.  Life is good.  And it starts.

"Mommy!  I need milk!"
5 minutes later...
"Mommy!  I hurt my foot!"
5 minutes later..
"Mommy!  I hit my head on baby!"
5 minutes later....
"Mommy!  Lola (the stuffed elephant) ran away!"

Sigh.  Doesn't this girl know I'm busy and she should be sleeping?  It is 9pm after all, way past her bedtime (she turns into a demon at 8:30.)  I finally get Cameryn settled, fast forward through the commercials (have I told you how much I love DVR?!  And no, I am not getting paid to promote it!), get comfortable, and am soaking up all of the glory that is Big Brother. 
And then I hear it. 
No, not that god awful growl from wanna-be-heavy-metal-rocker-90120-loving Adam (but I do think that he wanted to be the Evil Dick of this season and boy, did CBS burst that bubble!), but The Cackle, followed by "I'm back, Bitches!"

That ear piercing repulsive sound prompted me to pick up my remote and begin to throw it at the tv.  I stopped knowing that Chris would probably be pretty angry about a busted TV screen and instead I opted to shout some not so nice words at the producers of CBS because they definitely could hear me through the tv on the other side of the US.

I loathe this girl.  I really hoped that I would never have to watch her on my tv again.  I would have liked to been able to reach through the tv and punch her in the head but she would probably jump through mine and eat me for a snack.

My only hope is maybe this guy will eat her instead.  But he gave her HOH.  Really, dude?  Come on!

I'm loving that though it was 95 degrees last night at 8:15pm, I wanted to run.  I wanted to run outside.  I wanted to run outside for a long time.  I went out of my comfort zone and down a main road.  I wanted to run outside for a long time until my heart was content.  So I did.

 1.  We went to the library.




2.  We went to the pool.  For hours.  Cameryn is part fish.