The day started out normal enough. I took the kids to daycare and went back home. I decided to work from home that day since I had spent the week before in California on business  I returned from CA late Friday night only to jump in the car early Saturday morning and head to Raleigh to celebrate my nephew's birthday. I was exhausted. Jordin had been up most of the night with another soon-to-be diagnosed ear infection. 

I booted up my computer, returned a few emails, and then went to tidy up around the house for a few minutes (the perk of working from home!)  I went back to my desk to return a few more emails when I realized that I needed more coffee.  I was standing at the sink rinsing my coffee cup when I heard it.

A man's voice.

"YEEEAAAH!" 

I dropped my cup in the sink and froze.  What the eff was that?  And why was a man's voice coming from inside my house?  I looked up to see if one of our friends had come in the front door because sometimes he'll come to borrow a tool or something.  No one was there. Door was locked.  I immediately started to shake.  My stomach went into knots.  What the eff was that?  I must have said it over and over and over in my head.  I grabbed my cell phone and walked slowly, quietly to Cameryn's room, looking for the dog.  Because maybe, just maybe, the dog was throwing up.  Nope.  He was sound asleep.  I ran through the house and grabbed my purse and hightailed it out the front door.  I locked the door on the way out thinking that if someone really was inside my house and after me that a locked door might slow them down just a bit.  Completely logical, right?

I sat in my car in the driveway, doors locked, watching the windows and the door.  What the eff is going on?  I called Chris, frantic.  I never call Chris at work.  Ever.  But if I do it's because it's an emergency.  He picked up and I immediately said, voice shaking and beginning to cry, "Is someone coming over that you forgot to tell me about?  Because I was standing in the kitchen and I heard a man's voice say "YEEEAAAH!"  Like a drunk person says "YEEAAAH!"  I think there's someone in our house.  I don't know what to do."

I didn't say, "I don't know what to do" because I was planning on going back into the house thinking I was some kind of ninja and going to fight this guy off.  I said it because I wasn't sure if there really was someone inside my house.  But I know what I heard.  I work from home and I know the noises that the house makes.  This was a sound that didn't belong. 

"Call the police, Laurin."

"I don't know.  I just don't know."

Chris called the police.  I called my best friend. I needed to see someone normal. I needed someone to tell me that I wasn't losing my mind completely.

The few minutes that I sat in my car by myself must have been the longest of my life.  All of those worst case scenarios were playing out in my head.  Stephanie showed up before the police did and she brought her brother-in-law who was in town visiting.  And then the cavalry showed up.

Lights blazing.  Sirens on.  They responded in code.  I just knew my neighbors were wondering what we did now.

The first officer showed up and I explained to him what had happened.  I gave him the key to my house and he walked the perimeter, waiting for another officer to show up.  The second officer arrived, I told my story again, and they walked the perimeter again.  The the third officer showed up.  They started to walk towards the door and they turned and asked if there was anything that they needed to know.  I let them know that my 125-lb Bullmastiff was in the front bedroom.  They asked if he was aggressive and I almost laughed out loud.  Obviously he's not aggressive to people because if he was, the guy inside, if there was a guy inside my house, wouldn't be saying "YEEEAAAH!" he'd be crying out in agony.  But I didn't say that, I just said, no, he's not aggressive but he's never been in this situation either.  And then they said, "Ma'am, we're going to need you to get your dog out of the house." 

Awesome.

Three officers entered my house.  Guns drawn.  I stood on the porch waiting for the go ahead to get Porter.  They motioned for me to come in and I can see Porter standing in the middle of the living room.  He's agitated.  Two officers are standing with their guns pointed upstairs (because it was the only place that I hadn't been that morning) and one officer is saying, "Come on, boy, come on."  Porter won't budge.  Why would he?  There are three strange men pointing guns at him.   One of the officers finally moves towards the stairs and Porter can now see me.  I start to walk towards him but the officers immediately stop me and tell me that I cannot go any further.  I tell them that I cannot take my dog outside without a leash.  He's 125 lbs and if something does go down, I cannot control him without a leash.   Lord help me if another dog walks by, I'll be getting a ticket because Porter ate it.  Eventually Porter comes to me and I take him outside on the front porch.  Waiting.  Stephanie and and her brother in law are standing behind her car and I can see another officer standing with them.  Porter also sees them and he's confused as to why he cannot go see them but he's also still agitated. And then I look right and I see more police cars lining the road.  Six officers responded.  Six.  Because obviously our little town has nothing else going on at 10am on a Monday morning than to protect me.  Thank god.

The officers inside did a full sweep and found nothing but a lot of dust bunnies and some closets that definitely need some spring cleaning.  I thought my house was presentable until three officers went through it.  Good grief.

I apologized profusely for wasting their time.  They assured me that it was their job and that they didn't mind at all.   But I'm sure that they were having a good laugh at my expense later.  And since the couple next door are both police officers I'm sure they loved the story as well.  (Side note:  The man next door is a detective and heard the call go out on the scanner while he was on duty.  His wife is on night rotation and was sound asleep next door.) 

The officers should have saved me from myself.  Anyone who has ever wondered why the blog was named Searching for Sanity?  This is a prime example as to why. 

I called Chris and let him know that it was a false alarm.  He was relieved and more than slightly amused.  Turns out that when he called the police he reached out to a friend who has some connection to the police department and she had the call go out in code to the responding officers, which is why six officers came with sirens, lights, and guns blazing.  It's good to know people.  Even when it is just a sleep-deprived mom hearing noises in the house and needs to be protected from herself.

I spent the next hour at Stephanie's house, waiting for my blood pressure to return to normal before returning home and getting back to work.  I still don't know what the sound was.  The officers and Chris thought maybe it was a toy.  I'm still saying no.

For the next few days, I had several texts at 9:30am asking me if anyone had broken into the house that day.  My friends and family... such smart assses.



   






 

Words.  So many words.  How many do you share?

I blog because it's my corner of the all my things.  My thoughts are all here.  I tell myself that the people who stop by can do one of two things - stay or keep clicking.  What you read here is what you get in real life.  I won't hold back.  I am polite, but I also have an opinion and it will be heard. 
 
Some days, I dig deep.  I share my complete joy, my sadness, and my deepest fears so that I can have some relief, some clarity.    I blog to hold myself accountable when I might fail.

True to life on some days, I am short and random.  Just posting thoughts in a list form because it's all I can muster up, all that I have to share.  Simple and incomplete.  Other days, I am rather wordy.  I can honestly say that this happens in my real life.  Call me one day and I may never shut up, going on and on and on.  Other days I may just reply back with a text because I just cannot manage a conversation or find a train of thought that makes one bit of sense.

I blog so that I can have something to look back on.  I don't use a trendy Erin Condren planner to keep track of anything.  All of my important moments are logged here.  For me.  One day, one far from now, my children can log on and see all of the funny moments, all of the drama, all of the smiles that they bring to my life.  I blog so that when I am gone, my children have something to remember me by.

I blog because it makes me feel normal.  Having a bad day?  'Friends' are there to pick you up and remind you to keep going.  Think you're the only one out there with marriage/kid/family/work problems?  They are there to remind you that you're not.  They encourage you to keep your chin up.  They aren't afraid to provide a verse of comfort and strength.  The sense of community here is amazing, and if more people jumped on our bandwagon the world might be a better place.

Mostly, I blog to put it all in perspective.  To remind me that these little moments define who I am.  The curse words, the laughter, the tears - they are all part of it.  And I have a blog to keep track of them.  Life is a learning process.  One step, each day.  My blog is there to remind me how far I have come and how far I have to go.  My blog is for me.  And those who wish to share it with me are welcome.

Why do you blog?

Our weeknights are scheduled.  The nights that Chris is home for dinner, he will pick up the girls from daycare and I get home first. I pick up little things around the house (shoes, pjs, crayons, barbies), I start a load of laundry, and then head into the kitchen to begin cooking dinner.  Cameryn thinks that it is fun to "call ahead" and request something for a snack/dinner, so I like to be home when they are home.  We are finished eating by 6:30, the girls get a bath, and both girls are in bed by 8pm.  I then spend the rest of the night chatting with Chris, catching up with my friends and family, or finishing up little chores around the house.  (Did I mention the laundry?)   Our family operates on a schedule because it's what is best for us.

Last night, I came home, threw my stuff on the kitchen table, let the dog out, laced up, and went for a run.  I ran two miles and was home by 6pm.  Chris and the kids passed me at 1.35miles and ten minutes later, I was walking in the door.

And you know what?  We had dinner, albeit leftovers, but it was dinner and we sat down as a family.  Cameryn was in the tub by 6:45.  Jordin was in bed, asleep, at 7 and Cameryn was still in bed at 8. 

I went for a run and the world didn't end because I ignored the usual chores and dinner routine.  I did something for me - I have a better attitude, I feel strong, and I set a healthy example for my kids. 

Why haven't I been doing this all along?  Why do we constantly put our families first and ignore ourselves?  I need to remind myself that if I'm not happy or healthy, my family suffers.  I need to do this for me and it's not selfish.  They can, and will, survive. 

I've got a lot going on this week.  Just life stuffs.  But.  I want to drop in and give you a few randoms.

1.  I wore skinny jeans for the second time and they give me a little pep in my step.  I'm all fashionable and stuff and am even considering buying colored skinnies.

I said I wouldn't. 

But. 

I did.

I joined the Twitter.

So yeah, come follow along. 

I mean, I currently have a huge amount of tweets going. 

Two to be exact.

I rule.

I have big babies, there is no doubt about that.  The first few months with Cameryn, I was all sunshine and rainbows about my newborn.  Babies are cute, right?  What could someone say about my super cute baby?  And then, I learned to put on my armor when leaving the house, to go full on mama mode.  I learned to expect to hear comments from strangers, or even people that I knew, at Target or Walmart about the size of my baby.  I found out, the hard way, that people have no filter when it comes to babies and because it is a baby they think they have a free pass when talking about them.  "Look at the size of her!  What is your Mommy feeding you?  You're a big girl!" 

I was met with the same criticism at daycare from a parent whose children are sitting right next to mine.  Yesterday, I ran into daycare to pick up Jordin, and I really was running because I wanted to see Shana, whose baby just started there this week.  Her six week old is so damn cute but I rarely see her because our schedules are so different.  I am holding Lakyn while Shana and another parent, who is standing there with her child, are talking.  After a few minutes, I hand Lakyn back to Shana, and pick up Jordin.

And then this happens:

"OMG!  She's so big!  How old is she?" says the mom that I have never laid eyes on until today.
"Almost four months."
"She is almost four months?  My child is eight months and not that big.  WOW.  Big baby." 

Then she gives me The Look.  You know, the one where you know you are being judged.  She cut her eyes at me, she raised her eyebrows, and she made that sound that is half-sigh and half-disgust through her nose. 

"How long does she sleep at night?"
"About 8 hours."
"Right, she (pointing to her child), doesn't do that because she isn't that big."
Shana cut in, "Lakyn sleeps eight hours and she isn't that big either."
"Oh."

And then I turned my back and started talking to the teacher.  There was so much that I wanted to say, that I could have said.  You know like, "Yes, my child is big.  And so are you.  You look like Amazon woman.  Your feet could be mistaken for Big Foot."  But I didn't.  Because those words wouldn't be acceptable to say to a parent or a child.  No one should have to feel as if their child isn't good enough.  Damn Mommy Wars.  They need to stop.

Body image.  The past two weeks it has been in the headlines almost every single day.  Gaga. Katie. Demi. Stacy London.  Every single one of them has battled an eating disorder.  We are told to, and we strive to, teach our children to love their bodies to respect them, that they are good enough.  Yet, at every doctor's appointment they are compared to other children their age and given a percentage of where they stand, and in turn, parents get so caught up in this percentage.  The cycle continues because we let it.

We don't talk about being fat or ugly in our house.  We talk about being healthy and why eating healthy food and exercising is good for our body.  It is what works for us in our house.  I try and I try and I try to set the example for my children and the world around me wants to break me down, break my girls down. 

I will not let it.   

Some days... I feel like a complete failure when I go to bed. 

Some days.... I feel like I haven't spent any time with Jordin when she comes home, because she is exhausted and goes right to sleep.

Some days... I am so frustrated because the laundry doesn't do itself, the bathrooms get dirty too quickly, and I don't want to vaccuum.  Again.

Some days... I feel as if everyone needs a piece of me when I get home and there isn't enough time in the day to do anything for me.

Some days... I wonder how it is that Cameryn and I can be so much alike.  Sun and rain.  Fire and ice.

Some days... I wonder what it will be like when my girls are older, will we get along? Or will our relationship be strained like it is with my own mom?  Will the girls be best friends and giggle late at night? 

Every day... I pray that my girls will feel this way.  That every day, IS the best day.

I don't have the Twitter.  But, if I did, here are some things you might have seen on myTwitter feed this past week, in order and in more than 140 characters, of course.

Friday:  My husband went to the grocery store and spent our weeks allowance on frozen and processed foods, white bread, two apples, a bag of grapes and a carton of strawberries. No veggies.  Man food, fo' sho'.  I've survived on oatmeal. #firstworldproblems

Saturday:  Gamecocks win!  DJ Swearinger is my hero.  Clowney is a beast.  Dylan Thompson has one hell of an arm.  I love my boys in the Garnet and Black!  #southcarolinaistherealUSC




Sunday:  The baby didn't sleep.  The three year old doesn't nap.  I've been up for almost 24 hours.  Thank god for my Keurig.  #coffeeismybff


Monday:  My husband has the day off, sends the kids to daycare, does a few things around the house.  I call home to check in at lunch and ask what he's doing.  He's watching a movie.  I try to have a conversation and he says, "Let me talk to you later.  I'm in the middle of this movie."  I hang up, resenting him a little.  When is the last time that I had a day to myself, at home, to sit in silence?  #jealousmama  


Tuesday:  #mykidsaredamncute 




Wednesday:  8pm, baby goes to bed, husband goes to bed, Cameryn goes to bed. 
8:30pm, Cameryn cannot hear the music playing in her room. 
8:45pm, Cameryn cannot get comfy.
9pm, Cameryn is still not comfy and is now crying.  I'm frustrated and tired, beginning to feel myself unravel.
9:15pm, Cameryn is still crying.
9:30pm, Cameryn is hungry.  DUH!  Because she should have been asleep an hour ago. 
9:45pm, Cameryn tells me that I didn't feed her.  (I did.)  And what I did feed her was junk.  (True, but its what she wanted for nighttime snack.) 
10:00pm, Cameryn is now screaming.  I go get a snack for her (apples and milk) and she refuses to eat it and instead sits and scream cries  I lose my shit, seriously.  I am yelling. 
10:05pm, I begin to remove toys from her room, which is what we do when she is not listening and having a tantrum.
10:05pm, I should have removed myself from her room at this point.
10:10pm, Chris wakes up and comes in to talk to Cameryn.  Who, calms down, eats her snack, rolls over and goes to sleep.
10:15pm, Chris says to me, "Are you going to let her go to sleep or are you going to yell at her some more?"
10:15:30pm, I realize I'm an ass and acting just like my mother.
 #parentingfail   #IdontwanttobemymomwhenIgrowup   #mykiddrivesmeinsane  #needbeerfordinner   #Iamtheworstmommyever

I love SUYL posts - where else can you go find tons and tons of fun products to try out?  I'll admit that I'm a bit of a (cheap) product junkie.  I don't spend a ton of money on my beauty regime, mostly because I get bored with the same products all the time.  I usually have 3-4 bottles of different kinds of shampoo and conditioner and rotate thru them to find out which combination works best.  Right now I am using Suave Keratin Infusion Shampoo and Dove Intense Therapy Conditioner.  Both leave my hair smelling really clean and also pretty smooth.  Are they keepers?  I'm not sure yet!


I also use Bare Escentuals Purely Nourishing Moisturizer.  Once again, a bit pricey at $28 but the fomula is light and contains SPF (both are imperative in the humid SC climate!)



In the morning and after workouts, I use Neutrogena Oil-Free Acne Wash.  I've used this orange stuff for years and I doubt I'll ever stop!  It doesn't dry out my skin and it leaves my skin feeling really refreshed.



I tried a tester at Target and now I'm hooked on Alba Botanica Very Emollient Body Lotion.  Not only does it smell yummy it doesn't have any yucky ingredients.  My skin looks and feels healthy.  I was a long time user of Aveeno lotion but I always felt so sticky after applying it.  This lotion isn't sticky.


For makeup, I have two staples.  One is L'Oreal Voluminous False Fiber Lashes Mascara,   I won't use any other brand than L'Oreal.  I've tried and tried but everything flakes off into my contacts.  I also like the original L'Oreal Voluminous formula in the gray tube.  What I like most about these formulas is the brush.  I really dislike the thin, rubbery brushes and prefer them to be a little more 'hairy'.  The thin ones tend to make my lashes clump.



The second is Cover Girl Tapesty Taupe eyeshadow, it looks very natural and for $3, I don't feel like I need to use it every single day in order to get my money's worth before it goes bad.  Because let's be honest, I don't wear makeup every single day.

 So, there you have it.  I'm no beauty queen, but at least I found what works!

6 weeks

I turned an uneventful 31 on Saturday.  I don't even feel old.  Turning 30, I felt old, but 31?  Eh.  No biggie.


Someone sent this to my office, for me.  I'm glad someone else agrees.

Jordin is already two months old (I hope to have an update on her after her doctors appointment tomorrow!)  She is a big, michelin baby, just like her sister was.  Giving her a bath is like cleaning the wrinkles of an english bulldog.  She's long and I'm sure she has doubled her birth weight.  She is such a chill baby compared to Cameryn at this age.  She rarely cries, she smiles all the time, is already trying to laugh and jabbers to us nonstop.  Her little coos are the sweetest thing.  I don't remember Cameryn smiling or laughing this early, or maybe I just didn't pay enough attention?



7 weeks

8 weeks

9 weeks

I cried on Monday night after my first day back at work.  I cried because I missed a full day with my girls.  I didn't get to see Jordin's pretty blue eyes because she was sleeping when I dropped her off at daycare and then she slept the entire evening.  So, when she's awake I'm trying to soak up every single second with my girls because now, I know. I know that this sweet baby stage doesn't last and soon Jordin is going to be running around my house wanting to listen to Ozzy Osbourne with her Daddy.   I missed hearing about Cameryn's day too because she'll only talk about it to the person who picks her up from school and it wasn't me.

I forgot about this part.  I forgot how difficult it is to be a working Mommy.  How difficult it is to juggle work, kids, husband, home, and me.  I'm not that sleep deprived (thank goodness Jordin is already sleeping 4-7 hours a night!) but I'm still tired from trying to get it all done.  One of these days I will find a routine that works for us.




Speaking of routines, I need a new workout routine.  Because the state of my a$$ is ridiculous.  I'm not having much pain, at all, and think that my tailbone is almost completely healed (thank you, Baby Jesus!)  Yes, I've lost all 17lbs that I gained during my pregnancy, plus a few more (I blame it on breastfeeding because I'm a professional Golden Oreo connoisseur!), but I need to tone up (because I am a professional Golden Oreo connoissuer.).  I borrowed Insanity from a friend of mine and thought that I would give it a try.  I took the fitness test and if its possible to fail, I did.  I won't give up but dear god, you have to be insane to do that work out.  It's appropriately named, for sure.  I almost face planted doing some kind of push-up.  I've been running a few times and struggled with controlling my breath so there's another challenge for me to overcome.  Right now, the biggest problem is that I need to find time in the day that is mine.  And one day, I'm sure I will.  I'm just not sure it will be anytime soon.

Has it really been four weeks since my last post? Wow. So, while I have been home, I've discovered that Will & Grace reruns are on Lifetime every single day for several hours. I love me some Karen! And, I am also relieved to know that the Lifetime channel actually is good knot something.

 And, speaking of tv, Big Brother is back! Any other BB lovers out there? Any early favorites or predictions?

Jordin is growing like a weed. She weighs a whopping twelve pounds at six weeks! I apparently produce heavy cream instead of regular breastmilk. I'm really trying to exclusively breastfeed as long as we are both comfortable and doing well. She seems to have a much better latch than Cameryn did so I am much more relaxed when she nurses. She is currently nursing every 2-3 hours, morning and night. She sleeps well, for the most part, but because of her reflux she hates to be flat. The first few weeks she slept on the boppy pillow and currently she is asleep in her crib on her side. She already sleeps better, and longer, than Cameryn did at this age. I am so thankful because I was a complete zombie until Cam was a toddler due to lack of sleep!

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm not so dumb about it this time around. I don't rock her to sleep like I did Cameryn and when she cries or fusses in her crib I don't immediately run to pick her up. She really is a good baby and has such a mild temperament. She is starting to smile when she sees us and she laughs in her sleep, which I think is hilarious. What do they dream about?

Cameryn hasn't adjusted well, at all, to her sister. I had this fear that it would happen. She does love her, but hates that she is no longer the center of attention. She has spent a lot of time with Chris lately but what she really needs is more mommy time! Her attitude stinks and she thinks that I cannot see her while I am nursing Jordin and tries to get away with everything. We have really tried to make her feel special, but this week has been challenging. I feel so bad for her because she is going through a big change, but at the same time I want her to get over it already. The nightly tantrums have resulted in her room being stripped of all of the things that she loves and she has to earn them back one good day at a time. We do have a pile of gifts for her that we have pulled from when she has an especially good day. I know it's a phase and it's already better than it was a few weeks ago, but oh my goodness, I am so ready for it to be over! Keeping her on a schedule has been the best thing for her. I don't know what I would do if she was at home instead of school everyday. I am so not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I love my girls wholeheartedly, but I would, for sure, be keeping vodka in a listerine bottle if I was at home all day everyday with the both of them!

As for me, I am hanging in there. The days and nights can be long but I am really trying to soak up every moment with my girls. I know that Jordin will grow so quickly and I cannot believe how old Cameryn looks to me now. I used to look at her and see some "baby" features but as soon as Jordin was born, somehow they disappeared!

I had my postpartum checkup yesterday and was not cleared to go back to work and instead I was referred to a chiropractor, immediately, to have my back adjusted to see if it would provide some relief for my tailbone and lower back. I am still having a lot of pain in my lower back, especially at night, and I still do not sit comfortably in a hard chair thanks to the tailbone. Basically, I'm a mess! A dislocated tailbone is such a stupid injury. Otherwise, physically, I am great. I did lose all of the 17lbs that I gained while pregnant, plus two more. Hopefully once I am able to workout again (I am dying to run again!) that I will be able to drop a few more pounds and and tighten up.

Mentally, I am okay. I am broken hearted as my beloved Nana passed away two weeks ago. We all traveled up to NC for her memorial. I miss her every single day. We all stayed at her house and I kept waiting for her to walk in at any moment. And then, last week, I had the strangest experience. My Nana always used Jergens lotion, in the cherry almond scent. While I was putting Cameryn into the car I got a whiff of that scent and it stuck with me for the next twenty minutes or so. There was no one else around and I'm sure that I looked completely insane sniffing the air like a dog, but it was so incredibly real.

My girlfriends gave me a baby shower a few weeks ago.  I was definitely not expecting one but I am so grateful for any excuse for all of us to get together and talk shit about people spend some time together.  My girlfriend, Nicole, from Atlanta was able to make the drive up too, but somehow we didn't get a pic together.  We even had a little facetime action with Jess.  I love my girlfriends and I love that our girls will be going to kindergarten at the same time!   

Jenn, Janette, me, and Stephanie

Stephanie is truly a crazy woman.  She and her husband were celebrating their five year anniversary on a cruise all week and they docked in Charleston on Saturday at 7am and she held the shower, at her house, at 4pm that day!  Janette and Jenn provided most of the food and it was incredibly yummy. Janette made some kind of cheesy dip and I couldn't get enough of it. She told me not to ask what was in it, so I didn't!  Sadly, I didn't take any pictures of the decor or the food, but Stephanie discovered Etsy for the first time and went all out with pink and yellow elephant decor!  The baby's room has taken on an elephant theme with the bedding that I finally settled on.  We have also received a few elephant themed gifts from my mom, including a super cute wicker elephant table!  Since most of our family was in town for Cameryn's graduation earlier that day, the timing of the shower worked out perfectly.  The kids helped me open gifts, which they loved.  I laughed because when we got a chance to go through them the next day, there were a lot of things that I didn't see.

Whitney, Cameryn and Madison

Stephanie

Bryce

Cameryn had at least 4 cupcakes during the shower.  People (ahem, Janette!) would say, "Oh you're going to be the big sister!  Have a cupcake!"  So she did.  The poor girl was so sick the next day!




I laugh when I see these pictures!  William and Izabell are a year apart but William loved her.  He chased her, on his hands and knees, and tried to smother her in kisses.  He would not stop and poor Izzy wanted nothing to do with him!  Stephanie had to pry him away!




I loved being able to spend this time with our friends and family.  We are so thankful for each and every one of them and we cannot wait for them to meet baby sister! 

I didn't intend to take a bloggy break.

Here's what we've been up to this week:

1.  I had my weekly doctor's visit.  I'll be 37 weeks tomorrow (21 days to go!) I've gained a total of 18 lbs and am now 2cm and 70% effaced.  I'm really hoping that baby girl decides to move south sometime soon.  The last few weeks are always so difficult.  As for a bump pic?  Here's a pic of me and the hostesses from the shower this weekend.  I love these girls so much.  I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.



2.  It's HOT, y'all.  Summer has finally invaded the south and it's going to be 92 all weekend.  Luckily, the humidity hasn't found its way to us yet, but it will eventually.  I'd rather spend this long weekend inside soaking up the AC, but I think Cameryn would rather spend her days at the pool. She's a fish.  The girl loves to swim.  We signed her up for swim lessons, a total of 8.  I figure it will be something just for her to do this summer while I am trying to keep my head above the water with a new baby and a busy 3 yr old.

3.  Cameryn rocked a white collared shirt and a blue jean skirt for graduation.  I went to a private school and our uniform was a white collared shirt and navy bottoms.  I don't own either, to this day, and buying them for her was slightly painful.  She wasn't thrilled about it, but she looked cute!



T4.  This is always such a weird time of year for me - to see the 'little' girls that I coached graduating from high school.   I'm 'friends' with a lot of them on facebook and reading their posts about how scared they are to leave home and leave their friends, it makes me a little sad.  They have no idea how big the world is after high school, that life truly doesn't start until then.  These girls are awesome, they are so grounded, they're really good kids and I hate to see them so conflicted.  But I remember those days and I know how hard it can be.  But I also know they are going to succeed.  And so, to them I say this: you have your whole life ahead of you, this is just the beginning. Be who you are, make a difference.  The best piece of advice I ever received came from my Dad - no matter what happens in life, you can always go home. Best of luck to all of you!

5.  This actually happened: "Damn it, Daddy.  Now I have to take off these clothes to put my jammies on."  And where did my three year old say that she learned those words from?  Me and two of her friends at school.  I won't deny that I say damn it, but usually 'shit' is my go-to term.  Cracks me up.

6.  I got a funny text yesterday from Stephanie - "Remember when all of the kids were playing in my room?  I think they did something with my pillow because when I went to bed last night and I could not find it.  We looked everywhere!  How the heck do you lose a king sized pillow?  I had to sleep on Madison's pillow!"  Poor Stephanie.  The girl searched high and low for her pillow.  She finally found it at 5:30pm, in her closet, shoved under her clothes.  The culprit?  My child, of course.  Cameryn said that she wanted it to be a surprise for Steph. 

7.   The roommate never moved back in.  Apparently, he found a little common sense and a dash of decency and decided that it probably wasn't a good idea since I was so pregnant.  To say I was thrilled was an understatement.


8.   I haven't jumped on the 'Fifty Shades of Grey' train.  I doubt that I will.  I read, a lot, but haven't decided if this one is worth it or not.  I did the same thing with the 'Twilight' series. 

9.   I was called for jury duty on June 19 and since I am due June 16, I won't make it to jury duty.  Calling up to the courthouse is always slightly entertaining, they talk in hushed tones and act as if they cannot know your name and only ask for your juror number, like it's some big secret.  But?  Getting out of jury duty requires them to be all up in your business and know every single detail of your life, plus a signed letter from your doctor.  I've been officially excused from jury duty.  I found it entertaining since I was called for jury duty when I was pregnant with Cameryn, though I didn't make it past the first day.  I guess being 7 mo pregnant doesn't make you a good juror.

It's been a rough week around here. Cameryn is one second defiant and the next she is sobbing. I tell her one thing and she does the opposite. She stays up late because she doesn't want to go to sleep when I ask her to. She is tired and therefore grumpy, but only with me. She showers her daddy with hugs. This morning she was awake for 12 minutes before being sent back to her room for whining and crying because I wouldn't let her eat brownies for breakfast. And then, twenty minutes later she is crying because I am not going to she mother's data breakfast at her school... Never mind that she told me earlier that she didn't want to go, my leaving for work triggered her reaction. So we went to have breakfast together. I know it's me, because I am pregnant and I am for sure the one who is directly changing her life. It kills me. And, to make matters worse? She actually told me that my big belly makes her sad - because I cannot run and play with her like I used to. Because she cannot sit in my lap and lean back against me, because I cannot pick her up and carry her around. I feel guilty. Yes, I won't be pregnant forever, but these last few weeks of just the three of us shouldn't, in the perfect world in my head, be so difficult. While I knew that this wouldn't be a seamless transition, I didn't expect her to rebel against me and feel so sad. We have had few weekends in the past three months with nothing to do, this weekend is different. There is nothing on the agenda. No cleaning, laundry, or errands. I'm letting her lead the way and using this time for us to reconnect. My time, with her, is precious. It hasn't just been rough at home.


Work has thrown me a few curve balls as well. I've had my suspicions for several months that big changes were coming to our firm and today, my suspicions were confirmed. Where it leaves me, I don't know. Going on maternity leave is both a blessing and a curse for my job security. I am, however, going to explore the option of something new within the firm and see where it takes me, if the offer is presented. If only to give me a few months of breathing room until I can find something else.


Oh, and before I forget... Remember the roommates? Yeah, one of them is moving back in for two weeks. It wasn't my idea and I am still quite displeased with the situation, but my husband feels like it is the right thing to do. I disagree. I am almost 35 weeks pregnant and really don't need one more person to clean up after. Nor do I want the added stress of having another body in the house. I have enough going on without another warm body in the mix.


My plate feels full.

I spent the weekend with one of my very best friends from high school.  Tea'a came to visit us from NYC and we spent two days talking,laughing, and shopping - just like we did many, many years ago!  I haven't seen her since our high school reunion in Las Vegas three years ago but nothing has changed.  I love friendships like that - no matter how many minutes, days, or months since our last conversation we can pick up right where we left off. 

I swear we look the same as we did in high school!

My husband watches some weeeeeird stuff on TV sometimes.  Thanks to our new subscription to DirectTV he has found some really high class programs.  He's usually into Animal Plant, Discovery, and anything about "bugs and shit."  He's also a movie watcher and we probably have more movies recorded that I have watched my entire life.  I have the attention span of a toddler and I have trouble watching a program that lasts for more than an hour.  However, he recorded a Penn & Teller:BULLSHIT! show on Showtime and I was somewhat sucked into this one. 

Penn & Teller's show, "Cheerleaders,  argues that high school cheerleading should be classified as a sport to increase required safety measures due to its risks. Also discusses how the majority of competitions and cheerleading goods are managed by Varsity Brands Inc. and if cheerleading were to be declared a sport Varsity would have to forfeit managing competitions to an independent body creating significant conflicts of interest. " {source}

Cheerleading is something that both Chris and I are familiar with. Chris cheered in college (for in-state tuition!) and later coached at a very successful elite program and I was a gymnast, but never a cheerleader, though I coached both gymnasts and cheerleaders at the gym that I worked at.  We're familiar with cheer competitions, the Varsity brand, and the multiple entities that Varsity Brands Inc. owned (there are over 30 of them, one of them is UCA, for example) so the show was pretty entertaining.  I believe that cheerleaders are athletes.  Sure, they dance around in cute little uniforms with gigantic bows on their heads, but they train just as hard as any other athlete and I can guarantee you that most of them are stronger than your average baseball player.

Penn brought up some extremely valid points, the first being that cheerleading is the most high risk "sport" there is.  The injury level is higher than any other men's or women's activity including football, gymnastics, and ice hockey.  Cheerleading isn't classified as a sport in many school districts (Title IX) and therefore has no governing safety courses, except for those offered by Varisty Brands, Inc., so the participants must rely on the basic safety training of their coach.  Problem?  I think so.  I was a gymnastics coach at a competitive level and I had to undergo multiple yearly safety tests given by USA Gymnastics in order to walk into a competition and declare myself a coach.  The cheerleading safety course offered by Varsity Brands Inc is approximately three hours long and once you've completed it, you're done.  Now, this doesn't mean that private clubs don't require more safety training, but if the three hour course is all that is offered and required for safety certification in cheerleading, how many of the private clubs are going above and beyond?  I think that something should be done.

Secondly, Title IX is the leading cause as to why cheerleading is not considered a "sport" in our schools.  Why?  Because the cheerleaders are not participating in a competition, they're not trying to win anything while cheering on the athletic teams and therefore receives no funding.  Since cheerleading is not considered a sport, it is also the reason why cheerleaders have no athletic trainers to assist them with injuries the way the football players do.  (Silly if you ask me!)

I agreed with the entire show until this point.

There's no doubt that Varsity Brands Inc. is the mack daddy of the cheerleading world.  They own and sell everything from uniforms, shoes, and makeup and sponsor or run almost every competition out there.  Now, the argument that Varisty Brands Inc. brings up is that if Title IX and the government were to declare cheerleading a sport, Varisty Brands Inc would have to give up managing competitions to another body, creating conflicts of interest, but most of all, lose their stake in the cheerleading world.

I call BULLSHIT.

How would Varsity Brands Inc. have a conflict of interest?  Most states have a "State Cheerleading Competition."  Are they funded by Varsity Brands Inc.?  Maybe?  I honestly don't know.  However, I have a difficult time believing that Varisty Brands Inc. would lose a lot of money if it had to give up 50 cheerleading state cheerleading competitions.  The number of private clubs practicing elite cheerleading, most with more than 5 levels of cheerleading teams at ~20 kids per team, would by far fund the Varsity brand.  Uniforms are $200 or more.  Competition fees, for the cheerleader, range from $70-150 per competition (and that doesn't include the cost of admittance for their families.)  Add in the monthly cost of training, coaches fees, expenses... We're talking about thousands of dollars per person per season.  Have you ever been to a private (not school affiliated) cheerleading event?  Insanity.

I'm not an expert on cheerleading.  I didn't cheer.  I've been around it enough to know that this isn't right - I don't understand why Varsity Brands Inc. wouldn't want their 'sport' to be declared a 'sport' for the people that they represent.  Why wouldn't they want it to be as safe as possible?  Do they really think that declaring it a sport would make that big of a difference to their income?  I think that it's disgusting that they wouldn't want their athletes to have the best and safest experience possible every time they take the mat.  But, I guess they've found a way to make money, and that's really what the world is all about these days, right? 



(But, as a former gymnast [and any former gymnast will say the same thing] I also believe that my girls should be a gymnast first!  Just because.) 

I traveled to Greenville again over the weekend.  That makes three weekends in a row that I have been out of town. (You can catch up here and here.)  I went to help my mom buy a new computer, we did, but she was slightly disappointed that it wouldn't be available for pick up until Tuesday morning.  She had hoped that I would be able to set it up for her, but it looks like she's just going to have to do it on her own! 

***

Allergy season has arrived in Columbia.  Poor Cameryn is really having a difficult time this year.  Cameryn was up most of the night on Saturday night thanks to a persistent cough.  She cougehd so much that she finally threw up (all over me!)  I think that I was up, for the day on Sunday, at 3:30am.  I hoped that she would nap on the drive back to Columbia (it's about an hour and fifteen minutes), but no luck.  We were both exhausted by the time that we got home, but she was excited to see her daddy, so a nap was out of the question.  Chris took her to run errands with him for about an hour and I napped and was able to regain some sanity.  Cameryn went to bed at 8pm and was up screaming at 9 because she had coughed until she threw up, in her bed.  Sigh.  Chris gave her a bath while I changed her sheets.  Chris sat with her on the couch for about an hour (so she didn't cough and cough and cough and throw up, again) and she literally passed out mid-sentence. There's not a whole lot that we can do for her other than giving her OTC allergy meds, so she's just going to have to deal with it for now.  Poor thing!

***

Saturday morning I stopped for gas and ran in to grab a cup of coffee and some juice for Cameryn.  As Cameryn and I were walking out of the store, a woman stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "You are the prettiest pregnant woman that I have seen in awhile!"  Isn't that sweet?!  I was flabbergasted!  It may have been total BS on her part, but it was still a lovely thing to hear.

***

I ran on Friday night with a friend.  I went slow and I actually hated going downhill (it just wasn't comfortable!) and it felt so great to run that I went again last night.  I definitely got my fair share of looks, but it's not like I'm starting a running program from scratch!  I averaged about a 13:30 min mile last night, so it's not like I am running fast.  At all.

Her husband joked that she should have been running behind me, acting like my trainer or something, screaming at me to pick up the pace and to move my fat butt!  So funny.  I totally would have played along.

***

I finally finished going through the boxes and boxes of baby clothes that my SIL gave me, plus all of Cameryn's old clothes.  This child will definitely have her choice of clothing for quite some time!  I also broke down and bought these clothing dividers for her closet.  I hate folding things and I also hate going a million onsies trying to figure out what size is everything is! 

***

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.  I almost 28 weeks, which means that I will start going bi-weekly after this appointment.  I also have to have the dreaded glucose test at my 30 weeks appointment.  I'm not worried about passing it, but I do need to remember to ask if I can eat 20 jelly beans instead of drinking that nasty orange drink!

***

Dear god.  I am 28 weeks pregnant.  12 weeks to go and other than washing some clothes, we've done nothing.  One minute I think that I seriously need to slap some paint on the walls.  Something.  And in the next minute I think, nah!  The baby can sleep in the bassinet in our room for awhile.

***

I'm worried that Cameryn is going to go through an extreme jealous phase when the baby comes.  Lately, she has been acting out if we are not paying her attention 100% of the time - especially when I am on the phone.  I'm not sure if I should even attempt to curtail her behavior more than I already am before the baby comes or just work through it when it happens.  Advice?

I know she's going to be a sweet big sister.  She loved helping Stephanie get William (who is almost 2!) out of the bath and dressed for bed the other night.  I just worry that she's going to be a green eyed monster, that she's not going to feel loved, that she'll hate me forever.  Which, deep down, I know won't happen, but my little mommy heart worries. 

***

Has anyone ever tried Baby Led Weaning?  I've read a lot about it over the past year or so and am seriously considering it for baby. 

I never, never, never talk about politics because I don't feel as if I really know what the hell I am talking about most of the time.  And, I find people who 'talk politics' all the time can be more than slightly annoying.  I prefer for people to keep their politics out of my Facebook feed, too.

However, today I feel inclined to have a little PSA here because this is my little space on the internet, and simply put, I can.  I'm not backing one candidate or the other here.  I won't tell you who to vote for or who I will be voting for.  I do read everything that I can get my hands on when it comes to standing behind a candidate.  When it is my turn to step into the voting booth, I won't choose by saying eeny-meeny-miny-moe.

First, let me clarify that I understand that the media and the general public make certain issues more relevant than others, that they deliberately use women as a campaign strategy.  I also understand that all of the candidates have personal beliefs that may or may not actually be pushed into law. 

However, women's issues are at the forefront of this election and women's rights are in serious jeopardy [depending on which candidate you listen to.]  I, for one, do not believe that women [today] should have to fight for the same rights that my grandmother once shouted for.  I, for one, do not want my children to have to grow up feeling inadequate and second rate because someone else decided what was best for them. 

Don't get me wrong - nationally, the unemployment rate is still high while graduation rates are at an all time low, and our ongoing conflicts with other countries are maddening.  These statistics alone are absolutely mind numbing and important to our country.  But, if they're going to use women and their rights as a topic of discussion for votes, I have every right, as a woman, to educate myself in order to make the best decision. I encourage you to do the same.

Educate yourselves. Please. Don't vote just to vote. Don't vote for a candidate because they are affiliated with a particular party. Listen, really listen, to what each candidate is saying, figure out what they believe in, see if their beliefs align with yours. If they don't, find another candidate who does.