Gather, Fall, Slide. Repeat.

9:36 AM

"One by one, drops fell from her eyes like they were on an assembly line - gather, fall, slide...gather, fall, slide...each one commemorating something she had lost. Hope. Faith. Confidence. Pride. Security. Trust. Independence. Joy. Beauty. Freedom. Innocence."    ~ Lisi Harrison (Monster High)

I miscarried.

Two weeks ago I went to the doctor to have bloodwork done to check my thyroid.  While I was there, I mentioned that my period was 7 days late but that I had not had a positive HPT.  The next morning, Thursday (June 7) my doctor called and said, "Congratulations, girl!  You are pregnant!"  We were overjoyed!  Chris and I had this elaborate plan that I would get pregnant and that we would tell our families in August, because most of our family birthday's are in August, and what better present is there than the news of another grandchild?  I did all of things that a mother-to-be-does.  I dreamt of names and nurseries.  I dreamt of moments holding both Cameryn and the new baby.  I hoped and prayed that God would continue to provide such wonderful things for our family.

Friday (June 8) I started spotting and by Monday it was pretty heavy.  I called my doctor who thought that it was probably implantation and that I shouldn't be concerned.  But I knew.  I knew that this pregnancy wasn't meant to be.  I took it easy for the rest of the week but I wasn't myself and by Thursday, all spotting had stopped.  I didn't feel pregnant. 

I had my first OB appointment on Tuesday, July 19.  I was immediately sent to ultrasound.  There was no sign of a pregnancy in utereo at 6wk 6 days.  They couldn't rule out the chance of an ectopic pregnancy on my left side as the ovary was difficult to see.  They took blood to confirm the loss and check on my HCg levels.  I received the results back this morning  - the levels are normal, so there is no chance of an ectopic pregnancy.

I sat in my car and cried after the appointment.  Just one short hour earlier there was joy in my heart and then in a blink of an eye, my fears were confirmed.  And the joy?  Gone.  But most of all the dreams that existed for my child, even before birth, had been shattered. 

The loss is hard.   I know that He has a plan for me, for my family. I should believe in his plan.  I know that He will not guide us down the wrong path.  His gifts are plentiful and though I shouldn't need to be reminded of them, I find myself wavering in doubt.  The past few days I have cried.  I have grieved for the loss of the child that I will never get to meet.  I have grieved for the dreams that will never come to true.

Soon, I will wake up and I will be thankful for the gifts that surround me without having to be reminded.  The warm sunshine.  A roof over my head.  The love of my sweet husband.  My beautiful child.  The lazy dog.  A loving family.  The best friends that a girl could ask for.  And the hope that one day, our dreams of another child will come true. 

Loss is hard, but we must Hope. 

And hope we will- because in one month we get to try again!  
To my family and friends, I am okay.  
Really, I am. 

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