Is it me?

11:37 AM

Last year, I said that I had a recurring trend in my life that I would like to kick to the curb.  And after eight months, I have realized that it's not going anywhere.

I used to have awesome friends.  I'd like to think that they are still my friends but sometimes, I just don't know.  Isn't that sad?  We got married. We moved away. We had babies. We got new jobs. We have new lives and new friends that became more important than our old lives and our old friends.
We push aside emails, phone calls and texts because we could always answer them later, but never do.  We scan the social media sites and read the latest status updates.  We read them but never anything more.  Staying in touch is just too difficult.  Funny, huh?  All of this new technology and it's still too difficult.  So what does it take for people to stay in touch? And when do you reach the point of no return?  When do you say enough is enough and stop reaching out because you have constantly received nothing in return.  How do you decide what friends to "keep" and what friends to "let go"?
As I get older, I find that this is happening more and more, and I wonder, is it just me? 

Am I the problem? 

I haven't spoken to my best friend from high school and the maid of honor in my wedding in two years, since we went to Vegas for our reunion.  Our lives are different and somehow it's just easier to let our friendship go.  She lives glamorously out in LA, as a celebrity publicist.  I live a simple, small town life.  Our lives are no longer intertwined, we have very little in common.  We'll always have a bond as third culture kids, we'll always be able to share stories of high school.  She'll forever be in my wedding album.  But after that?  Our story ends.  Sad, maybe.  But it seems right.

I have a group of friends from college that I adore.  I think about them and I immediately smile.  Our lives, on paper, are similar.  Put us in the same room and it's like we haven't ever been apart. Our stories are the same.   Our hugs are warm.  Our laughter is genuine.  Our goodbyes are sad.  We occasionally text, chat, and email yet sometimes I wonder if we are emailing because we want to or if we are emailing because we think that we should?  The scary thought for me - if I am even questioning this, does this mean that they too will fizzle, that I am giving up?  They are worth it, 100% without a doubt worth it, but why is it so hard?  Why does it feel so strained?  Why do I have to miss them when I don't want to?

I met with a friend a few weeks ago, someone that I used to see quite regularly.  And honestly?  It felt forced.  The conversation that used to flow freely lagged.  Where there used to be laughter, there was just silence.  I actually heard things that I had no clue about, which shocked me, because usually I would have been one of the first people to know.  I left our meeting feeling funny inside, like something was off.  And I realized that it was because "we" were off.  I miss her, I miss the bond, I miss the friendship, the laughter, the support.  I realized that though we could pick up where we left off, it wasn't the same, now we had things to catch up on, big things.  I used to email or call everyday.  I would reach out and try to see her, but was constantly shot down for one reason or another and eventually I just stopped because I just refuse to always be the one who extends the hand.  But I do miss her and I still hope that this one doesn't get away.

I wonder, am I the problem?  Is it me that has the issues?  Am I the one driving people away?  Am I a terrible person?  A terrible friend?  Or is my life just evolving and therefore my friendships are too?  It's difficult to say, really.  I guess only time will tell. 

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away." - SATC

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