Every First. Every Last?

11:03 AM

I am not a happy pregnant person, and if you asked me while I was pregnant if Jordin was our last baby, I would answer with a resounding, solid, there's no doubt about it, "YES!"  Two healthy girls, there is no need to try for a third to 'go for a boy.'

Ask me now.  My voice wavers, my eyes cloud over, my lips form words but no sound comes out. 

I look at Jordin, who was seven months old on Monday, and I just don't know. I don't know if I am done.

Financially, we have to be.  Three children creates a new dynamic - a bigger vehicle for me, a bigger house, higher childcare cost, more groceries.  Financially, there are times that we struggle with only two children, and I don't want to have to worry about how we will pay the bills if we had three.

Then Jordin flashes me a sweet smile, slobbers my face with a kiss, waves her arms with excitement as I walk into the room, and my heart skips a beat. 

But what if we had another girl?  Oh my.  I might actually lose my mind.  Mentally, I'm not sure I could handle it, and that is reason enough to be done having children.  But, my children are so different.  Cameryn was (and still is at times) a crying, whining, screaming non-sleeping mess of a baby.  She is so much more pleasant as she gets older, challenging, but she is a funny child with a big heart.  Jordin is SO different and those crying, screaming, non-sleeping days and night have been replaced with laughter, smiles, and precious sleep.  Part of it is because we're not rookies anymore, we kind of know what we're doing this time around.  Both of my girls are awesome and I wouldn't trade any moment with them and replace it with another, but I am actually terrified of what will happen as they become tweens.  And what would happen if we tried for another and had another girl?  I may never be the same again.

But what if we had a boy?  How our lives would change.  There would be blue in my house!  Cars!  Trucks!  My husband could teach his boy how to throw a baseball or football, because isn't that a dream that all dad's have?  And maybe, just maybe, I'd have a "mommy's boy" since both of my girls love their daddy so.

I spend most of my nights playing with my girls and watching the two of the interact with each other.  I try to tame a wriggling baby on the changing table and have to call Cameryn to come in and talk to her, because Jordin simply adores her sister and Cameryn standing there calms her.  I know that they will share a bond that I will never understand, because I never had a sister.  I watch Cameryn cheer Jordin on as she does tummy time and begins to pull her knees under her.  I laugh every day when Cameryn asks me if Jordin has teeth yet and I answer no.  I love that big gummy smile but I dislike how grumpy she is from teething for so long.

Then the sadness sets in that this could be the last time that I watch my baby learn how to crawl.  The last time that I am greeted with a big gummy smile and slobbery kisses.  The last time I get to see all of these 'first' moments, and my heart skips a beat, but this time because its filled with doubt and I am not sure if I am ready for this to be my last.

I know that God will guide me in the right direction.  He'll let me know if we will be a four or five person family.  I have put my faith in him.  It may take a few months or years, but eventually, I'll know.  Until then, we are a happy family of four and I am soaking up every moment, every first (every last?).








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