Word up, 2013.

9:47 AM

Have you seen this new trend of finding your "word" for the year?  I wasn't going to jump on the bandwagon.  I can hardly keep a resolution for more than a few weeks (sad, but true!) so a word, for an entire year?  Probably not my best idea.


Yesterday, happened.  I was challenged.  I spent most of my day frustrated about work, frustrated that I feel that I am being lost in the mix, frustrated that I feel like I am being looked over or pushed aside.  I've done everything that I have been asked, continually asking for more work and eager to take it on.  And then, once I get into my groove, BAM!  Things change and I'm left treading water again trying to figure out what's next.  Not because I'm incapable of doing my job but because things change, companies change, new ideas form and I'm not part of the decision making team.  I ended up venting to two coworkers (STUPID STUPID STUPID!) and had a mini-pity party after talking to them, complete with tears and wishing that I could find hope on the rocks of scotch. 

Then it spiraled into the self bashing hour.  I have been working out and eating clean and then I had three cookies and I beat myself up mentally.  I stood in the mirror and found every flaw.  I told myself that #operationsmallerass wasn't working (after two weeks.  Pfffffftttt.)  I began to worry about my work trip to CA in a few weeks and became far too self conscious about other people.  Would they like me?  Would I be good enough?  Will I feel lost?  What will I wear?  Will it be okay? 

By 9pm when Chris and I finally had some quiet time to talk about our day, I didn't want to.  I was ready to move on.  I'm done.

Jordin woke up at 3:30 and I couldn't go back to sleep.  So I laid there and I told myself, over and over:  attitude and potential go hand in hand.

I have a bad attitude.  I complain, a lot.  About anything and everything.  It has to stop.  Now.  Because Cameryn has started and she got it from me.  I know that.  I hate that she does it, it drives me insane, so I know that I must drive other insane because I do it too.  I complain to cover up that I have a low self-esteem.  I don't feel like I'm a beautiful person.  I don't feel like I'm the best at what I do.  I don't feel as if I could even apply for another job because I don't feel like I'm good enough.  (Let me stop and say that I'm also not on the verge of doing anything stupid like harming myself or anyone else, either.)  I know that I fail every single day.  I know that I am not perfect.  But, I also know that while I want more for myself, I don't believe that I can.

I'm stuck in a rut of a bad attitude, not believing that I am worthy. 

I am.  So I'm going to tell myself that every single day.  I'm going to look in the mirror and tell myself that today is a new day.  I'm going to fail, but I'll stand up stronger.  I'm going to look in the mirror, walk around town, talk, and be confident.

I believe in myself.  I believe that I am worthy - in everything that I do.

My word for 2013 is:  CONFIDENCE. 

Confident in myself, my decisions.
Confident that God knows me and has the perfect plan. 
Confident that I am the best that I can be every single day.

Have you seen the Disney princess commercial?  I love it.  I really do.  Because it's everything that we should believe about ourselves and many times don't. 

I am a princess.
I am brave sometimes. I am scared sometimes.
Sometimes, I am brave even when I am scared.
I believe in loyalty and trust. I believe loyalty is built on trust.
I try to be kind. I try to be generous.
I am kind even when others are not so generous.
I am a princess.
I think standing up for myself is important.
I think standing up for others is more important, but standing with others is most important.
I am a princess.
I believe compassion makes me strong, kindness is power, and family is the tightest bond of all.
I have heard I am beautiful.
I know I am strong.
I promise.  And when I promise something, I never, ever break that promise.
I am a princess.
Long may I reign.

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