Dear Jordin,

You have been in our lives for an entire year.  From the moment we met, I could feel your gentle soul, your calm disposition.  You surpassed my every expectation.  The first few days we spent staring at each other -me in awe of you, and you studying my face so deliberately.  I couldn't look away.  I never will.








Oh, sweet Jordin, with the kind and gentle soul, you have been in my life an entire year and I couldn't imagine a day without you.  I pray for you every single day. I pray that you are amazed and humbled by your God.  I pray that you have a pure and servant heart.  I pray that know kindness, joy, and courage.  I pray that you find peace, that you grow within his grace and you flourish to the best of your ability.  I pray that you overflow with Hope.  




Most of all, I pray that you know love, that you feel it deep within your soul to the heart of your belly.   I pray that you love so much it hurts.  I pray that you know how much I love you, your family loves you, and how much God loves you.  I hope that you never stop believing that this is your home.  Your safe place, where love never leaves, where you'll always have a hug waiting for you, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold. 


I pray that you know that wherever life takes us, you will always be in my heart.  That my love for you is complete but never ending. 

Happy First Birthday, my sweet Jordin. 
You'll always be my baby. 

December 14, she is six months today.  I'm not sure where six months went, exactly.



She is growing up so quickly.  I knew, when she was born, that it would happen faster this time.  I knew that the sleepless nights were temporary.  That the colicky stage would pass.  That it would take a few weeks for the both of us to figure the other out.  I knew that the still moments would soon turn into a squirmy baby who is fascinated by everything and everyone.  I knew that my second born would grow fast, I expected it, I just didn't expect for me to miss the 'newborn' stage so much.  I don't know if we will have another baby, she could very well be my last.  I just wanted to soak every moment in. 



Her slate grey newborn eyes have slowly turned a brighter blue.  They are still slightly grey, like mine, and not sky blue like her big sisters. 

She is no longer nursing.  I was so proud that we were able to nurse, exclusively, for four months.  Those quiet moments were so special for both of us.  I was able to escape for a few minutes each day and spend time with just her, which she rarely gets as the second child.  But I was also able to escape from the busy world and focus on me.  I put down my phone and iPad and would just sit.  I was forced to do it and I'm thankful for that.  I'm thankful that I could have those quiet moments with her. The way she would study my face.  The way that I would just watch.

She sits up on her own and has been since 5 months, but she doesn't roll over.  This doesn't surprise me because Cameryn was the same way.  I'm glad that she isn't mobile yet because it means that she's still a baby and not moving toward the toddler stage.



She sleeps well.  She still gets up once or twice, but its okay, its temporary.  She still smiles in her sleep. 

She's eating real food now.  She loves to naw on apple slices, but doesn't like applesauce.  She prefers vegetables over fruit.


She doesn't have any teeth yet and for this, I'm glad.  There's something about a big toothless grin that still means she is a baby and not a toddler.  She sucks on her bottom lip and smiles at the same time.  I call it her old man face.



I look at her and my heart melts.  She laughs, a lot, but the loudest for her sister whom she adores.  I often find myself staring at the two of them together and wondering how I got so lucky to have such beautiful babies.  The wonder that is them.


 
A half of a year. 
Happy 6mo, Jordin.


 

I washed my car on Sunday.  You know what that means, right?  That its raining now.  Of course.   My car was seriously filthy.  Sitting in the parking lot at the office under all of the trees losing their leaves made my car a hot mess.  Cameryn loves to wash her toys with wheels when I wash mine, so late Sunday afternoon we headed outside.  I put Jordin in her stroller so she could watch and Cameryn and I got to scrubbing.  She always uses more soap, for her little red and yellow car, than I do on mine but it keeps her busy.  I washed the car quickly because Jordin wasn't loving the fact that she was only a spectator, but this time Cameryn finished her car, bike, and scooter before I did my car and went over to entertain Jordin while I did a final rinse.  Except?  She took it upon herself to wash the baby.  With car soap. 

***

Speaking of my office.  I don't talk much about what I do but I'm contemplating a change.  You see, 10 days before I had Jordin my company announced that 4/6 of the shareholders/members were leaving, my boss included (which I already knew), and that there were going to be some big operational changes within our organization.  Our location has a really small office and I wasn't naive enough to think that they would keep our location open.  I felt lost and definitely did not feel as if I had a lot of job security.  I did receive a call explaining their vision for our office, their expectations of me and my position, and the call did allow me some breathing room.  I had Jordin, spent 8 weeks out on maternity leave, and came back to the office.  I had expressed a desire to transfer to another department, the position was offered, and I accepted.  Except?  3 months later I am still doing more of my old position than my new because they haven't solidified the compensation plan for my new team.  My new team refuses to share any of the work with me until the comp plan is finalized to ensure that I am being paid for the work that I am doing. My days in this office are long.  You see, I have no direct supervisor here and 95% of my old duties have already been transferred.   I feel stagnant.  And I don't like it.  I am so lucky to have a job and paycheck coming in, but that's the thing - it's now a job instead of a career.  And that makes me feel really unsettled.

***

Yesterday was Monday.  Except?  I did a shot of tequila.  Just one.  And I learned that one thing that isn't stagnant is my ability to take a shot of tequila without the 'shiver' afterwards.  I still rock at tequila shots.

***

I have been thinking about my goals and resolutions for 2013.  I don't think that it's too early.  My goal for 2013 is to run a half marathon.  There is no exception to this.

***

Love.

Can you tell who's who? 
Cameryn is the top picture, Jordin the bottom.  They still look alike but Jordin is definitely favoring me a bit more these days.  She actually looks so much like my dad did as a baby. 


This girl LOVES the dog.  He loves her too, look at that face!

And experts say that Bullmastiffs aren't good with children, especially young children.  He is proof  that it's all about how you raise them - don't blame the dog, blame the owner!  This dog?  Wouldn't dare hurt either of my kids, he's much too docile for that. 




 

This weekend we laid low.  We watched our Gamecocks show up to play less than stellar football and, at halftime, we had had enough so we packed up the kids and headed to Boo! at the Zoo.

Both kids wore Tiger costumes and my inner Gamecock cringed.  Cameryn's costume is from last year.  I didn't want to ruin this year's costume (a peacock!) in the foam party! 






Hello, cute baby shoes!

I have big babies, there is no doubt about that.  The first few months with Cameryn, I was all sunshine and rainbows about my newborn.  Babies are cute, right?  What could someone say about my super cute baby?  And then, I learned to put on my armor when leaving the house, to go full on mama mode.  I learned to expect to hear comments from strangers, or even people that I knew, at Target or Walmart about the size of my baby.  I found out, the hard way, that people have no filter when it comes to babies and because it is a baby they think they have a free pass when talking about them.  "Look at the size of her!  What is your Mommy feeding you?  You're a big girl!" 

I was met with the same criticism at daycare from a parent whose children are sitting right next to mine.  Yesterday, I ran into daycare to pick up Jordin, and I really was running because I wanted to see Shana, whose baby just started there this week.  Her six week old is so damn cute but I rarely see her because our schedules are so different.  I am holding Lakyn while Shana and another parent, who is standing there with her child, are talking.  After a few minutes, I hand Lakyn back to Shana, and pick up Jordin.

And then this happens:

"OMG!  She's so big!  How old is she?" says the mom that I have never laid eyes on until today.
"Almost four months."
"She is almost four months?  My child is eight months and not that big.  WOW.  Big baby." 

Then she gives me The Look.  You know, the one where you know you are being judged.  She cut her eyes at me, she raised her eyebrows, and she made that sound that is half-sigh and half-disgust through her nose. 

"How long does she sleep at night?"
"About 8 hours."
"Right, she (pointing to her child), doesn't do that because she isn't that big."
Shana cut in, "Lakyn sleeps eight hours and she isn't that big either."
"Oh."

And then I turned my back and started talking to the teacher.  There was so much that I wanted to say, that I could have said.  You know like, "Yes, my child is big.  And so are you.  You look like Amazon woman.  Your feet could be mistaken for Big Foot."  But I didn't.  Because those words wouldn't be acceptable to say to a parent or a child.  No one should have to feel as if their child isn't good enough.  Damn Mommy Wars.  They need to stop.

Body image.  The past two weeks it has been in the headlines almost every single day.  Gaga. Katie. Demi. Stacy London.  Every single one of them has battled an eating disorder.  We are told to, and we strive to, teach our children to love their bodies to respect them, that they are good enough.  Yet, at every doctor's appointment they are compared to other children their age and given a percentage of where they stand, and in turn, parents get so caught up in this percentage.  The cycle continues because we let it.

We don't talk about being fat or ugly in our house.  We talk about being healthy and why eating healthy food and exercising is good for our body.  It is what works for us in our house.  I try and I try and I try to set the example for my children and the world around me wants to break me down, break my girls down. 

I will not let it.   

Some days... I feel like a complete failure when I go to bed. 

Some days.... I feel like I haven't spent any time with Jordin when she comes home, because she is exhausted and goes right to sleep.

Some days... I am so frustrated because the laundry doesn't do itself, the bathrooms get dirty too quickly, and I don't want to vaccuum.  Again.

Some days... I feel as if everyone needs a piece of me when I get home and there isn't enough time in the day to do anything for me.

Some days... I wonder how it is that Cameryn and I can be so much alike.  Sun and rain.  Fire and ice.

Some days... I wonder what it will be like when my girls are older, will we get along? Or will our relationship be strained like it is with my own mom?  Will the girls be best friends and giggle late at night? 

Every day... I pray that my girls will feel this way.  That every day, IS the best day.

I want to remember the moment when Cameryn and Jordin first met.  The smile that Cameryn had and the tears that I fought back.  How that one moment changed my life forever.

I want to remember my quiet moments with Jordin at 3am when she is full of smiles and coos.  Because one day she'll be a teenager and come stumbling home at 3am and there will not be smiles and coos.

I want to remember how funny Cameryn is at the age of three.  "Mommy, when I grow up like you I want to be a grown-up kid."  Me too, Cameryn, me too.

I want to remember the way that Cameryn says things.  The way that she will light up, clasp her hands together, and say, "I'm so 'cited!" when she is excited about something.  The way that she gets very serious and says, "Stop 'peating me.  You're 'peating me."  when I repeat something that she says.

I want to remember the way that I can peek into our living room from the kitchen and see Chris play with the girls.  The way that he holds Jordin and helps her to practice sitting up.  The way that he and Cameryn sit and snuggle on the couch.  The way that he loves them, so very much.

 I want to remember each and every little moment with my family.  They are going by way too fast.

Jordin is now 10 weeks old and is a smiling, drooling, happy, baby 99% of the time.

STATS:
She is 14.7 lbs and 23.75in long. 
{She is following in her sister's footsteps and giving my biceps a workout.}
She is in a size 2 diaper and 3-6 mo clothes.

THIS & THAT:
She smiles and talks to us constantly.
She laughs, especially when you tickle her by her collarbone.
She rarely cries but when she does its probably because she is starving.
She is adjusting to the bottle at daycare, but is exclusively nursing at home.
She found her thumb but doesnt care for a paci.


She sleeps from 8pm-1am and then is up randomly throughout the night.  I hope that she will find a schedule and stick to it.  I really wish that she would go back to the 8pm-3am and 3:30am-7am schedule she was on for several weeks!

6 weeks

I turned an uneventful 31 on Saturday.  I don't even feel old.  Turning 30, I felt old, but 31?  Eh.  No biggie.


Someone sent this to my office, for me.  I'm glad someone else agrees.

Jordin is already two months old (I hope to have an update on her after her doctors appointment tomorrow!)  She is a big, michelin baby, just like her sister was.  Giving her a bath is like cleaning the wrinkles of an english bulldog.  She's long and I'm sure she has doubled her birth weight.  She is such a chill baby compared to Cameryn at this age.  She rarely cries, she smiles all the time, is already trying to laugh and jabbers to us nonstop.  Her little coos are the sweetest thing.  I don't remember Cameryn smiling or laughing this early, or maybe I just didn't pay enough attention?



7 weeks

8 weeks

9 weeks

I cried on Monday night after my first day back at work.  I cried because I missed a full day with my girls.  I didn't get to see Jordin's pretty blue eyes because she was sleeping when I dropped her off at daycare and then she slept the entire evening.  So, when she's awake I'm trying to soak up every single second with my girls because now, I know. I know that this sweet baby stage doesn't last and soon Jordin is going to be running around my house wanting to listen to Ozzy Osbourne with her Daddy.   I missed hearing about Cameryn's day too because she'll only talk about it to the person who picks her up from school and it wasn't me.

I forgot about this part.  I forgot how difficult it is to be a working Mommy.  How difficult it is to juggle work, kids, husband, home, and me.  I'm not that sleep deprived (thank goodness Jordin is already sleeping 4-7 hours a night!) but I'm still tired from trying to get it all done.  One of these days I will find a routine that works for us.




Speaking of routines, I need a new workout routine.  Because the state of my a$$ is ridiculous.  I'm not having much pain, at all, and think that my tailbone is almost completely healed (thank you, Baby Jesus!)  Yes, I've lost all 17lbs that I gained during my pregnancy, plus a few more (I blame it on breastfeeding because I'm a professional Golden Oreo connoisseur!), but I need to tone up (because I am a professional Golden Oreo connoissuer.).  I borrowed Insanity from a friend of mine and thought that I would give it a try.  I took the fitness test and if its possible to fail, I did.  I won't give up but dear god, you have to be insane to do that work out.  It's appropriately named, for sure.  I almost face planted doing some kind of push-up.  I've been running a few times and struggled with controlling my breath so there's another challenge for me to overcome.  Right now, the biggest problem is that I need to find time in the day that is mine.  And one day, I'm sure I will.  I'm just not sure it will be anytime soon.