I signed Cameryn up for Kindergarten.  My fingers typed as quickly as possible to fill in all of the required information and to submit the information as soon as the link went live.


Why?


Because yesterday, at 4pm, I became that Mom.  You know the one that you roll your eyes at when she starts talking about her kid and how smart they are and one day they're going to rule the world!  Yeah.  That was me yesterday.  Our school district offers a Language Immersion Program beginning in Kindergarten.  40 children will spend half of their day (math and science) in a foreign language and the other half of their day in a normal, English speaking classroom.  Here's the kicker - only 10 of those 40 kids are from "outside" of the school zone, meaning that if you're not zoned for that school, it's a lottery situation and if you want your kid in the program you better hope and pray that you make it in one of those 10 slots. 


I'm hoping and praying.  And sobbing in the corner with a bottle of wine.


I know Cameryn will be bored out of her mind if she is enrolled in regular Kindergarten.  But yes, I also realize that it's only Kindergarten and at this age play is still very important and kids should be spending a lot of their day in imaginative play.  Blah blah blah.  My kid will be bored if she's forced to learn how to count to 100 or tie her shoes.  She needs a challenge and the Immersion Program provides that.


Oh yes, that bottle of wine that I drank while sobbing in the corner?  How in the hell is Cameryn old enough to go to Kindergarten?  Babies don't keep (Thank you, Baby Jesus - because getting up every few hours sucks!) and I'm not a fan of 3.5 year olds either, but the age that my kids are at right now?  I'd like to box them up and keep this this way forever.  They're sweet and funny and lovable.  They are still inquisitive and believe that Mom and Dad know everything.  We're still their heroes and we can still control as much of their life as possible, who they come into contact with, the places they go and people they meet.  Sending Cameryn to Kindergarten with a backpack as big a she is feels like I am letting her go into the real world (as real as it can get for a 5 year old) and knowing that I will never get that part of her back.  She'll change.  Grow independent, learn things that I don't want her to know, talk to kids (and parents!) that I wouldn't normally allow her to be around. 


I have to trust her.  I have to trust that she'll know right from wrong.  I have to trust that she'll know when to reach out for help for her or for someone else.  I have to trust that I did my job as her parent and that she will remain an innocent, loving little girl and not turn into some monster because she's influenced by kids that don't have the same love in her life that she does.  I have to trust that her teacher will love her for who she is and treat her with respect.  I have to believe that she will make friends, good friends, and that she will be a good friend right back.
The fear is real. 
The struggle to let her go, to grow up, and walk away from me, it's real.
And there is no other way to describe it, it sucks.
Bad.


It's silly, right?  This whole notion that my 5 year old is going into the real world and will grow up before my eyes.  But it's true, isn't it?  That this is just the first step to her becoming a tiny adult.  Kindergarten or college, she will have responsibilities imposed on her by someone else.  Homework.  Learning. Friendship. Basic social survival skills.  Situations that I cannot control. 




Oh, but I get to sign her up all over again next week and this time for the school that we're zoned for.  I get to go through this range of emotions again.  Putting her name into that little box, checking all of the required information, because yes, she's ready.


She's ready to go to Kindergarten.  I'm not.  Luckily, her backpack is bigger than she is.  Which means that I could crawl in there and no one would notice.  Right?  Because that wouldn't be weird.  At all.

I've thought a lot about what to do with my little corner of the internet with the decision of... nothing.  I like it here but haven't felt compelled to sit down and write anything.  Do I have a lot to say?  Probably, but lately the act of sitting down and telling my story to document it is slim to none.

I'm tired.
I'm busy.
I sit in front of a computer all day and the last thing that I want to do at the end of my day is sit down at my computer to keep typing.
I accepted a new position at work and to put it mildly - it's KICKING MY ASS.  I'm working super hard, harder than I have ever before.  I'm succeeding, which is an awesome thing, but until I have a few months under my belt in this position, I feel the pressure.  I'm really competitive and being in a sales position, I compete with the people around me on a weekly basis to make my numbers.  Not just so I can get paid, but because I MUST WIN AT EVERYTHING.  And I'm not. Which drives me even more to try even harder, so that my name comes up on the board at the end of the week.  But also because I have to pay my bills.  And to be honest, there's a lot of them and it's stressful.  Not just because of Christmas, that only adds to it, but because of poor financial decisions early on in our marriage.  Things are looking up, and things will get better (soon!) but until those things do, we stress.

But, here's a rundown of what's been going on in Laurin Land:

• The girls had a well check-up yesterday.  Cameryn was 45" and 42lbs, which puts her on the tall and slim side.  Jordin was 34" and 28lbs, which puts her on the super tall on chunky side. They're both healthy and happy and they talk my ear off from the moment they wake up until the moment they finally fall asleep.  Jordin is a funny little girl who keeps us laughing and Cameryn is turning into a little lady much too quickly.

• We lost a family friend, my Nana's BFF actually, and it felt like I lost my Nana all over again.  I've had a really hard time this holiday season, little things remind me of my grandparents and I've realized how lucky I was to be able to spend so much of my life with them.  And then, one day, I heard this song while driving down the road and I had to pull over because the tears were falling fast and I couldn't see.  This song took me right back to their house, to the pier on the sound where we spent so much of our time.

•  I ran 9.5 miles in two days.  I had no idea that I had it in me.  I haven't ran that many total miles in one week in months.  I felt pretty badass.  I remembered why I run, how good it felt to get in the zone and just go. 
• We took the dog to see Santa.  And this is the result.  Cam's face kills me!

• Last night Cameryn and I were able to welcome home a soldier from Afghanistan!  It was incredible.  If you've ever doubted what these families go through, the struggle, the constant worry, the physical toll that it takes on everyone involved, I assure you that it's real.  And I promise you that the joy that I saw in his wife's eyes and the unexplainable excitement of his two year old daughter makes every difficult moment worth it.  Just seeing the three of them together brought tears to our eyes.  The spirit of Christmas was in that room last night, I know it. 

We are outgrowing our house.  I knew it would happen and I've known for some time that we wouldn't be able to stay here long term. 

Our guest bathroom is too small.  Every single night we have to tell Cameryn to be quiet while she is brushing her teeth because the sound will radiate through the walls and wake Jordin who is sleeping in the adjacent room.  When we turn on the bathtub faucet, we also have to turn up the volume on the tv because the sound of the water running through the pipes is too loud to hear over the way to large tv in the living room.  Our kitchen is a nice size but extremely lacking in counter space, which is a problem when trying to assemble lasagna or something else that requires multiple steps and bowls.  We don't have enough cabinet space for all of our dishes and appliances. 

All of our bedrooms are a really nice size, but there's little storage.  The closets are long, but not deep.  Our attic is a 5' x 5' space that holds our fake Christmas tree, some baby gear, and not much else.  We can't park in the garage because both cars won't fit, even if we took everything out.

We like to have people over, but shhhhhh! don't be loud, the baby is sleeping!  Chris has a large family and when they're all visiting, there's just not enough room for all of us.

I work from home and my desk is in the bedroom, which means that I spend almost every hour of my day in one room.  Working or sleeping.  And sometimes when I can't sleep at night, I'm tempted to get up and start working, because the computer is right there.  That can't be healthy.

Chris and I have a lot of stuff, which is part of the problem and we're slowly ridding our house of the excess, but, our kids also have a lot of stuff.  Cameryn's birthday is approaching and the Christmas holiday is around the corner, and I have increasing anxiety about where we're going to put the excess. 

We're simply running out of room.  We drove around town on Friday night after I looked online and saw a floor plan of a new construction home that I liked.  We looked at neighborhoods nearby just to see what was out there.  Are we ready to put our home on the market?  Not quite.  And yet I can't help but pull up the Trulia app on the iPad a few times a week because the lure of a new home and more space is appealing. 

But this home?  It's ours.  We built it from scratch.  We picked the inside and outside, making every single decision regarding its guts.  I remember the day that we moved in, the rooms bare, the little furniture that we had barely filling them.  There were no holes in the wall, only blank space, waiting for a new memory to be hung. 

The house seemed so large then, so perfect, and it was, back then.  The key that turned the lock was mine. 

Sometimes I can't imagine leaving here, packing and unpacking, moving all of our stuff to a new house.  Starting over with paint and flooring and countertops and doorknobs and drawer pulls...

These walls built me, they built my family.  They hold the dreams and fears that I've whispered into the air.  They've seen and heard the angry words that Chris and I have had.  They've protected us from the storm outside as we weathered the one in.  This house is where I've had parties for friends to celebrate weddings and babies.  I've cried in the bathroom, gripping the counter grieving for family members that we've lost and jumped for joy at a positive pregnancy test.  This house is where we brought our children home and created paths in the carpet walking back and forth to their rooms in the dead of night.  We've planted flowers and trees in the backyard, creating shade where it's needed, because we know that our bedroom gets really hot at the end of a summer day.  The guest bathroom, though small, echoes the sound of laughter coming from my girls while they're playing in the tub.     

The house isn't perfect.  We don't have the nicest fixtures and top of the line countertops.  The walls groan at the slightest breeze.  But the key that turns the lock is mine.  The pictures on the wall tell our story.  The house- the paint, the flooring, some of the fixtures - they've changed since we moved in.... but so have we.  Maybe it's time to move on, create new memories, and transfer moments frozen in time from these walls to new ones.  Maybe it's time to close one door and open another and one day when our kids are older we can drive by and show them their first home...  Where the hamster is buried in the back yard....  The tree that Cameryn planted after a field trip to the Christmas tree farm.  We can tell them the story of the rocks in the backyard.  This house will always be my home.  Where my family was built, where some of the best moments of my life took place. 

If we sell our home and a new lock is put on the door, my key won't work.  I'll always know that we built this house, and it built me.  I'll display my key to this house on the walls of a new one, to remind me where I came from, what I've lost and accomplished. The key that turns this lock will be the first thing to be hung on a wall of new memories to be made.

Some days it is so hard to be a parent.  Tonight, Cameryn was watching Homeward Bound. She's an animal lover so this movie is perfect for her. I tend to shy away from animal movies because they're so heart wrenching and I end up crying like a baby (I've also never made it through an episode of Parenthood without shedding a tear so I may just be an emotional mess to begin with.)  During the movie a little girl gets lost in the woods and the animals find and save her. Cameryn starts telling me about this scene (I missed it while putting Jordin to sleep) and she starts crying, taking deep breaths, her bottom lip quivering.  I realize that something about this has scared her and she bursts out, "What if I get lost and you can't find me?  What if I'm old enough to go camping and if get lost and a bear comes to get me?"

And then I broke.

This is a rational fear for a child to have. What if she he does get lost?  It's every parents absolute worst nightmare.  For a child, it's more terrifying than anything else in the whole world.

I then realized that I've never really talked to her about what to do if we get separated in a store, or a park or at the fair. We've talked about stranger danger, gently, but never really about being lost. And I felt like the worst parent in the world. How do you not talk about it to your child?

And I realized, holding her, my shirt wet from her tears, it's because I didn't want her to have to face reality.  I wanted to keep her in world of glitter and rainbows, Barbies and ponies, because at four, she  shouldn't have to know what could happen.  I don't want her to have to realize that the world that she lives in can be a cruel place.  That the monsters she believes to be fiction, are very much real.

I don't want her to know these terrible things. I don't want her to be scared of her daily life. I want her to feel safe, empowered, and confident.  I want her to be innocent for as long as possible.  I want her to ride her bike down the street without having to worry. I want her to be able to walk to her friends house and okay outside without looking over her shoulder. But she needs to be aware, and it's my job as her parent to teach her and empower her with the knowledge, strength, and confidence of what to do if something should happen.

And this is why it's so hard to be a parent some days. Because these conversations with my four year old are difficult. The conversations will get more difficult as she gets older.  The topics will get more uncomfortable.  And we will take them one day at a time.

But now?  I'm inhaling the smell of her Downey infused nightgown and lavender soap. I'm cuddling her and telling her that she is safe here with me.  That right now, she is exactly where she should be and that the world is good and right.   She'll go to sleep smiling and tell me that she loves me and that I'm the best mom ever. Which lets me know that she feels safe and it's been a good day.

Which is all that matters, anyway.

.

 The Little Mermaid was my absolute favorite movie when I was growing up. I remember being in the musical at school in fourth grade. I love that this also one of Cameryn's favorites too!   Life has come full circle, for sure.  And now, I get to give a copy away to one of you!



a Rafflecopter giveaway

I've sat down so many times to write but the words just weren't there.  We've done plenty this summer that is "blog worthy" but for some reason I wanted to keep the memories for myself.  There have been many nights, late, that I would think to myself, "Damn, the blog."  And then a post would form in my brain, words flowing faster than the beer at a frat party, but the desire to sit down and write them out didn't exist.  Truth me told, the blog community is great and for the most part, kind and uplifting, but I found myself following bloggers that were once a small mom and pop store on the internet who grew to be big-box bloggers, and suddenly,  I didn't agree with their voice, who they had become. 
Sometimes I just get so tired of the comparisons. 
And I'm mildly freaked out how so many people know something about the stranger behind the blog that they've never met and are mildly obsessed with everything about them.  Does it really matter what floss a blogger uses?  Seriously?
But, nonetheless, I love my blog.  I love writing and capturing my family memories, even if my posts are few and far in between.

So, here's how our summer went...

1.  I (and Jess) threw a baby shower for my BFF, Janette (who is Jess' sister.)  Janette finally gave birth(after a few days of hell) to a precious baby girl, Marlowe, who is now nicknamed "Lo."  This child and I were meant to be buds because growing up my nickname was Lo-Lo, which was shortened to Lo as I got older.  (I also had the nickname Gutterbutt, but that's a story for another day.)  I am bursting with love for this child that I haven't even met and I cannot wait to hug her to pieces.

2.  We went to Disney World for a week with my family.  We had THE BEST time.  I posted a lot of pictures on my instagram and twitter accounts, so I won't post more here.  Sadly, I haven't even uploaded the pictures from my camera yet, one day I'll get around to doing that. 

The girls had an incredible trip.  We stayed at Animal Kingdom lodge and it was one of the best decisions that we made.  It was so nice to be able to get up and walk out onto our balcony each morning and watch the animals while we waited for everyone to get ready.  Jordin liked to push the chairs closer together so she could sit by Cameryn and see the animals. We only had one run-in with an angry person who decided to yell out to me, "Your family has kept my family awake for the past two hours.  Opening and closing doors, yelling loudly, and now you're moving furniture?"  I was stunned.  Seriously.  We had been awake for 45 min and housekeeping had already knocked on our door, before 8am!.  I wanted to say something really snarky back to her with some choice words, but Cameryn was awake.  So instead, I chose to say, "Our family has been awake for about 45 min.  I'm so sorry that you're not having a good day.  I really hope that it gets better.  God Bless You."

And then, she slammed her door.

And the public balcony full of visitors one floor below us burst out laughing.

And I flipped her off, wherever she was.

Cameryn loved all of the princesses.  Jordin loved seeing Mickey Mouse everywhere. We had lunch in Cinderella's castle.  Jordin (and Quinn) were able to do the Bippity Boppity Boutique and dressed up as Jasmine (and Belle).  Cam loved Epcot and she loved roller coasters.

Disney World is truly a magical place, no matter what your age!

Side note:  We rented a double stroller from Magic Strollers and it was a great $80 for the week.  I doubt that I'll ever take my stroller with us if we go again.  Magic Strollers was far too easy!

3.  I had a birthday.  I am now 32 years old and Cameryn told me that I was still a kid.  I believe it, too.

4.  I watched the entire season of Big Brother.  And it was terrible. 

5.  I ran a 5k in honor of 9/11.  The race was an emotional experience and so many times I wanted to give up and just walk my ass to the finish line.  But I didn't.  I kept telling myself that no one gave up on 9/11 and I wouldn't either.  I had major cramps in my side and I was hardly able to breathe.  The race wasn't a PR for me, but I finished.  And two days later I ran another 5k and kicked my previous time's ass.  Because I'm super competitive like that.

6.  I've been covering for someone at work while they're on maternity leave.  And my days are filled with work (GASP!) from 8am-5pm.  I feel crazy busy every single day, and some days I feel like I am drowning in my to-do list.  My desk has become a post-it note hazard.  Luckily, this is just a temporary gig and I'll go back to my normal existence in mid-October.  While I am a competitive person, I also realize that I'm not someone who likes to "sell." 

7.  I watched America's Got Talent with Chris.  America is nuts.  The top 3 was wrong.  WRONG. 

8.  I now drive a soccer mom SUV, so it seems right that Cameryn decided that she should play soccer.

Hmmmm.... so maybe our summer wasn't so blog worthy... we still had a fantastic time!

 I cannot wait to catch up with all of you =)

1.  People who follow an assload of people on Twitter.  It takes me long enough to scroll through my Twitter feed of 150 people why would I want to scroll through thousands of people?  

2.  Why do people comment on a picture on instagram and tag the person who posted the picture in the comment?  Heeeeeeelllllllllllo, when you comment on a picture the person who posted it was notified.  Tag them in the comment and they are notified again.  Do you really need to get their attention that much?

<< obviously I have had a little too much time on my hands thanks to a weekend without my kids >>

3.  People who constantly complain about how crappy they feel and how they want to lose weight but instead of getting their ass to the gym they sit and eat a box of cheez-its. Because those cheez-its are definitely not going to show up on your ass at a later date.  Nope.  Never.

4.  Helicopter parents.  I get that we all want the best for our kids.  But hovering over them and controlling their every single move and freaking out every single time something goes slightly wrong?  Get over it.  Kids were meant to play and have fun and be little shits every now and then. 

5.   Bloggers who tweet multiple times a day to promote their blog.  And their blog isn't even that interesting anyway.

6.  Rude people at work.  We're all adults.  I don't need your snarky attitude via email.  Or your sassy tone over the phone while I am only trying to help you.  I received a nasty email from a person that I have been asked to help.  I was actually told, from said person, "You're not doing this right at all.  I picked this up very quickly.  You should too but if you don't want to do it, that's fine.  Just tell me."  Annnnnd two days later received an email saying, "Hey, I think you're doing more than you should.  I hate to think that this work is taking you away from your other work."  What the what?!  You're outright crazy, girlfriend.  Did you ever stop to think that I was asked to assist you because you suck?  Yeah.  Didn't think so.