"Next time, just tell me."

4:33 PM

Cameryn finally broke down last night.  I heard her crying after I put her to bed.  I thought that she was upset because Jordin was still awake and she didn't get her chat time with me before going to bed.  I was wrong.  So wrong.  I was about to open her door when I heard her say, "Porter!  I miss Porter!"  She was in her bed, covers up to her chin, sobbing those big tears that make your whole body shake. 

I held her.  I told her that it was okay to be sad. I told her over and over that he loved her, he knew that she loved him, and that he's healthy and happy now.  It didn't help, not one little bit instead it just made her more and more upset.  So I stopped talking and just let her cry.  Chris came home after a few minutes and he ran in to see what was wrong.  She jumped into his arms and he held her why she cried.  We told her that he was sick, so sick that we didn't even let her see the really bad times.  We told her how he would shake and then go blind and run into things, we told her that it wasn't safe for him or for us.  She sat, quietly, and listened. 

She asked us if we were there when he went to Heaven and asked what happened when he left.  We told her that the doctor took him to heaven and that he was healthy now. 

Cameryn knows that things die, bugs, plants, small animals on the road.  She has yet to ask if people die or if her dogs die.  I have struggled with this.  I'm not sure if explaining death to her would make losing Porter easier for her to understand or make her fearful.  We talk about Jesus and how he died for us, about God, about Heaven, she just hasn't put it together. 

We tried talking to her about her new puppy.  I even told her about a surprise that I have kept a secret for weeks, that we are going to Disney on Ice tomorrow morning, in hopes that it would lift her spirits.  She was okay for a little bit, Chris left to go eat dinner, and I sat in there for a few more minutes.  We laughed and talked a little more and when I asked if she was ready to go to bed
she looked at me with those big, blue eyes, red rimmed and watery, and said, "Why didn't you tell me?  Why didn't you call me at Grandma's and tell me that Porter went to heaven?  You should have."

I almost lost it, right then and there.  We made what we thought was the best decision for Cameryn.  We wanted her to have a fun week with her Grandma and not be sad about Porter.  We also didn't want my mom to have to deal with her emotions that were bound to come out that week.  So I told her that. 

And she said, "Next time just tell me."

I  hope and pray that the "next time" is a long way off.  Until then, I'm going to struggle.  Cameryn is so smart and its difficult to know how much to tell her, how much she can handle at the young age of four. 

She's so gentle.  So wise. 

But I'm glad that she was finally able to talk about it.  It means that we're moving on - and just in time for our puppy's arrival tomorrow afternoon.

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