The Evolution of Me. (Part 2)

4:00 AM

I spent the better part of last year walking around in a daze of some sort.  My career can be challenging, and I was stressing about completing the small daily tasks.  This stress was pouring over into my home life, too.  I found myself feeling very on-edge, like I was waiting on the ball to drop.  I was snapping at the girls and Chris.  I was freaking out when something minor happened.  It was not okay.   So I talked to my doctor and she prescribed some anti-anxiety meds.  They helped tremendously.  Suddenly, I didn't feel the pressure to complete everything in one day.  I learned the value of taking it one day at a time. 

I gained 20 pounds.  20.  Freaking.  Pounds.  I went from 130 to 150 in a short 6 months.  I blamed it on the meds, which definitely had something to do with it, but I also stopped taking care of me.  I stopped running and lifting on a daily basis and only spent time exercising a few days a week.  I started napping over my lunch break instead of doing something productive.  Don't get me wrong, I love a good nap, but the daily nap caused me to feel very lazy and when I woke up I'd eat crap food.  I engaged in some yo-yo dieting and I'd drop a few pounds here and there but really nothing changed.  Because I wasn't changing.

Emotionally, I was a hot mess.  I had a friend who was going through a really difficult time and I vowed to be there for her.  I didn't agree with all of the decisions that she made, but I felt like I needed to give her some grace in the everyday, to help her get through a difficult few months.  Those few months turned into 6 and then a year.  A full year of my life was spent worrying about someone else, listening to excuses, and watching her spiral into this pit of self destruction.  I tried and tried.  I felt like I was doing the right thing by staying in touch.  I reached out constantly and got nothing in return.  I was sent nasty text messages.  I received phone calls that didn't make sense.  I was blasted on social media.  And then, it went to another extreme and it wasn't just me getting hurt, it was also my child.  

I didn't go all mama bear and ape shit crazy like we vow to do when we talk about IF these things ever happen.  Instead, I shook.  I shook from the inside and everything came loose.

I broke myself down.  I was angry, don't get me wrong, but I cried mostly and I tried to understand but I couldn't.  To this day, I can't.  I cannot understand why someone would beat someone else down in a public forum, especially not a child.  I can take it, but my child?  No.  While this was happening, in the back of my mind, I told myself that this wasn't normal behavior for a healthy person, bcause this person wasn't healthy.  Their action and words were sick.

That was somewhat of the last straw for me.  Hurt people hurt people.  I didn't want to be a part of this anymore.  I pulled away from what was hurting me and I concentrated on doing something else - anything really.  I stopped reaching out.  I stopped extending a helping hand.  I refrained from commenting on anything - a status, a text, or even a phone conversation.  

I was fresh out of fucks.  

I wear this bracelet to remind myself that I can't continue to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm. I can't help someone who refuses to help themselves.  I can't change someone who doesn't see how they are self destructing.  I can't be there for someone who won't be there for me.

That's a hard lesson to learn.  To let go.  But I had to.  I had to let go of the constant drama, the constant hurt, the constant need to help.  

And I started to change my everyday.  I found joy when I wasn't looking for it.  I started exercising again.  I stopped engaging in toxic behavior at work, at home, and online.  I surrounded myself with people who encouraged me to grow.  I started to change.

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