The Evolution of Me (Part 1)

9:59 AM

Whoa.  Seems like I need to clear the cobwebs from my little corner of the internet.  Dust dust, cough cough.

I've been here.  Silently writing and not posting.  You see, I'm the same.  And so, so different.  We'll get to that in a few... First let's do a little catch up, shall we?

My girls are awesome, really, they are.  Cam is 8 and in second grade.  She's super intelligent.  Witty. She's a sensitive soul and I feel like she's so beyond her 8 years.  She's fire and ice, this one.  A talented artist.  She loves to ride horses.  She's gorgeous, to boot.  Tall, blonde, blue eyed and smart. Lord, help me in 5 years.

Jordin, my sweet 4 year old, "J" as we call her, is a spitfire.  She'll charm the socks off of you and then knock you dead with the cut of her eyes.  She's something, that one.  She's super sweet and says "I love you" every 5 minutes or so, but she's so different from Cameryn.  She's laid back and silly.  Nothing really bothers her (except her sister) and she's overall pretty chill.  But there's something in her, something that hasn't blossomed yet and I can't wait to see what it is.

And Chris?  He's great,  He left Lowe's and he loves his new job.  He is so much more relaxed.  Less stressed.  Able to enjoy life and do all the things that he enjoys on the weekends.

And me?  The past few years and been an evolution of my whole self.  I've been challenged to be better, to be intentional, with my words, my presence, my work, my family.  And now you're asking yourself, what does that even mean, is she off her rocker?  And no, don't worry, I didn't take a two year hiatus and join some crazy self-love group.  I've just spent some time within myself, really asking myself what is important.

I'll start with work because that's what sent me into a whirlwind of self-care.  We were challenged to complete a 360 review.  If you're not familiar with the term, it's a review completed by your peers.  And whoa, when you get it back you're shocked. You're ranked accordingly and your strengths and weaknesses are very apparent, especially when they're put down on paper.  My scores were average, not great, which is okay, not everyone can exceed expectations.  The professional view of me is that I lack confidence but that I do excel at relationships with people.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?  How can I create a relationship with a client, my peers, my friends - anyone really - without confidence?  What is it that is holding me back from really connecting with people to gain a deeper sense of trust?

I'm holding me back.
I walk into the room and I don't own it.  I'm too worried about what people think about me.  I'm worried that they won't like what I have to say or think that I'm just some "girl" who is trying to gain her footing in a corporate world.  (Which is ironic right, because I sit here writing this heartfelt totally random post and I know that strangers are going to read it and I have no problem with that, because I feel like I could be helping someone... Which is apparently something that I am good at, I scored highly on that too, a "service" minded attitude.)
Anyhow, I don't speak up because I don't think that what I have to say is "right" or good enough, that my opinion doesn't matter because I haven't been in the business as long as anyone else.  I don't call my clients and immediately tell them about new products and services because I think that they don't want to hear from me about what I have to offer and instead I just "check in" with them to gain some ground.

Isn't that silly?  To be in sales and not believe in what you're selling?  And the truth is, from day one I never thought that I could do the job that I have.  EVER.  Day after day I can meet metrics, all the small ones anyway, but never really the big one, like quota!  And sales is so much more than quota, it's relationships with people, building trust, knowing your products, and connecting with the person that you're talking to.

I didn't have a real plan for my 360 review.  I didn't know what I was going to do with the information that they provided to me.  So I sat on it for a few weeks and then I made a project plan.  I was going to read, a lot.  Books, magazines, online articles, quotes, anything that made me to feel confident and encouraged.  I needed to learn how to really connect with people to gain their trust.  I needed to use my big vocabulary and my ability to (duh!) write and connect with my clients and my peers.  So I read.  I took courses from an online business school.  I discovered that I have an interest in project management (#GIRLBOSS.)

We had monthly meetings with a group of people from our company that fell into the same category.  We are all very sweet, very kind people but not very confident in our ability to do our jobs.  And it isn't just about our 8-5, it's so much more than just being able to gain confidence in my career.  It's confidence in everything that I do, gaining complete control of my emotions, my thoughts, and the down and dirty of why I am doing what I am doing and who I really am.

It's an evolution of me.

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