The Monday Real

8:38 PM

I'm the reigning class president of the school of hard knocks.  I cannot even say that I am valedictorian because it's becoming more and more apparent that I may not ever graduate from this ridiculousness.

I hope too much.  I believe in people too much.  I desperately want to believe that people are 'good' and I repeatedly set myself up to be let down.  Over.  And over.  And over.

Tomorrow is our "Gender Reveal" ultrasound.  Sure, we already know the gender and we already have more than thirty ultrasound pictures of our love nugget, but tomorrow is the big ultrasound where they check to be sure that all of her parts and pieces are complete and that she can continue to grow to make this momma as big as a house. 

Our appointment has been rescheduled twice, the first time because of my schedule, the second time because of the doctor's schedule.  Both times my mom said that she would come and I was pretty excited about it.  My mom didn't come to Cameryn's ultrasound because it was the same day that my parents divorce was finalized and I knew that she wouldn't want to come.  But, my dad did want to come to the ultrasound (my mom never even knew when it was) and it was really cool that I was able to share that moment with him.  I wanted to be able to share that moment with my mom as well, but she's not coming tomorrow.  Because she has an appointment with her personal trainer in the morning and choir practice at 6pm, and the hour drive is just too much.  She was very nonchalent about the fact that she wouldn't be there in her voicemail at 6pm tonight - "Laurin, you've probably figured out by now that I won't be there tomorrow.  I've got the gym in the morning and choir tomorrow night.  Call me after your appointment."

And, once again, I hung up the phone and was disappointed.  Part of me hoped, silently, that she would be there, that she could be a "normal" parent and a "normal" part of my life.  But, once again, I'm let down.  I do this each and every time.  I hold out the hope that people are mostly good and caring, but once again, when it comes to me and my mom, I'm reminded that in this case, it's just not true.  Because I'll never be important enough to her. 

Tonight, while I am hurt, I am also really thankful for the family that I do have.  The family that does choose to support me and share in all of my happy, little memories. 

Because it's in moments like this that I am reminded how wonderful my friends are.  My girlfriends, who have been there with me through hell and highwater, will be there tomorrow.  Yes, they've seen every picture of our baby girl, but they're going to be there with me, Chris, and Cameryn tomorrow.  Because they are excited and cannot wait to meet our girl.  They are my family every single moment of every single day, good and bad.  My real family. 

And that's my Monday Real.

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